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Question: Getting my better half into the lifestyle


Dear Lounge Advice,
I have just been recently looking into the lifestyle and got to say i am very interested. However after approaching my better half, i think she took it as her not satisfying me anymore. Which is not true. Now i know that the only way for this to work is if we are both on the same page and everything. Which is brings me to my question how can i show her that i am not looking for a replacement or a supplement. That i genuinely want this to be something we can both enjoy together while still maintaining a strong relationship outside of the community

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

I'm copying you a piece of advice I gave in the past about this very thing. It is lengthy, but please read carefully if you are truly concerned about this.




This is the time to look inside the dynamics of your relationship with your mate and determine: Do we have the essential elements needed to make an open relationship viable? This is not a time to rationalize weaknesses by saying that they arenít important; that they will hold up to any challenges swinging will offer. This is a time to be brutally honest and determine, above all is, if your relationship will be sturdy enough to handle any encumbrance that is presented when you and your partner partake in sexual relations with others. You would be demeaning the value of your bond with your significant other if you were to venture into this lifestyle with the goal of sleeping with others above the fate of your relationship. If this is the case, you will quickly find that your misplaced priorities will eclipse the strength of your bond, therefore placing your entire foundation in peril. Place yourselves in certain situations and try to answer hypothetical questions. If you are the woman, how will you feel if your mate hits on another woman at a lifestyle event? If you are the man, how would you react if another man was getting friendly with your wife, with the intention of enjoying sexual relations? How do you think either one of you would respond if an extremely appealing individual invited one of you out alone without the otherís knowledge? Would temptation be too hard to handle, or would your significant other have the strength to say no and inform you of the occurrence? Would you be able to handle seeing your partner engage in mind-blowing sex with another? Or, are you only considering the lifestyle because you no longer feel an attraction to your partner, and are seeking a way to satiate your sexual needs since you are not achieving this at home? Are you doing this because your partner wants sex a lot more often than you, and this is your answer for allowing them to vent some of those sexual urges while you sleep with someone just so he or she can do so?
If you are thinking of joining the lifestyle because your mate is pressuring you, you are in it for the wrong reasons. Swinging will make a strong relationship stronger, and a weak relationship weaker. Swingers you will meet in the lifestyle will tell you this, and to do it for yourself and not for anyone else. You will have a much better time, and so will everyone else involved.
Many men have written for advice, asking how to get their wives into the lifestyle. Of course, in rare cases, the opposite may be the case, but weíll use the former example as a springboard for this scenario.
This is a treacherous method of entering the lifestyle, knowing that your partner may not be up to it quite yet. Please do not push your partner into doing anything she is not comfortable doing. This will only cause problems in your relationship. If you wish to get her interested, sit down and talk to her about your desires. Show her a swingerís website or a website of a local swinger's club. Explain to her that you can start on a swinger's site and see what happens. If she shows interest, great, but take it very slowly. You can't expect her to go from posting an ad to meeting a couple for full swap. Ask her if she would like to go to a club just to watch sometime, and take small steps from there accordingly.
As excited as you may be about swinging, it is best to step back and ascertain the best way for you both to enter the lifestyle comfortably. Your partner may require extensive time and exposure to feel at ease with this idea. Remember that many people hold misconceptions about the lifestyle and may need this time and experience to help clear up misunderstandings.
If you both do consider taking it further than online exploration, try attending a pressure-free event, such as a meet and greet, and make it clear that neither one of you is expected to do anything at all. This way, your experience will be much less intimidating and she will be more inclined to explore further.
If all goes well the first time them have her decide which event she might like to try the next time.

Your partner may warm up to the lifestyle a bit more if she enjoys the parties and the company and realizes that the stereotypes surrounding the lifestyle are often false and contrived. Attending lifestyle events serves many purposes for first-timers, or those who are otherwise timid of the initial experience. As a rule, she will be able to see firsthand the wonderful people that are involved in this, and understand that lifestylers are not depraved sexual predators, nor are they devoid of morals or couth. Morals are so subjective anyways, arenít they? In fact, anyone who attends a lifestyle event will see just how Ďnormalí many of these people are. Lifestylers are a microcosm of society, and come from all walks of life. They just happen to be a bit more open-minded in their sexual outlooks than most.

If you both opt to venture out to a function for the first time, do not expect your mate to do anything with anybody. Do not even allude to the possibility of such activity. This experience in and of itself will be enough of a sensory overload, without her mate expressing his desire for action. Simply allow her to take it all in, then discuss her reactions later. If this is done the right way, she may want more. After all, this was the initial goal.
If your mate expresses that she is just not interested, leave it at that. Tell her that is she would like to entertain the possibility, then she can bring it up when she's ready. Do not push! It will only make her feel insecure and make her wonder why you want to do this so badly. Women are delicate creatures sometimes, and we tend to analyze men's motives.
Guys, the best way to make her feel secure in entering the lifestyle is to reassure her that you love her, that she's beautiful, and that you are doing this not to find something better than her, but to enhance your relationship. If she doesn't hear this reassurance regularly, she will most likely assume that she just isn't enough for you, and that is why you feel the desire to swing.

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