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Question: Friends in the LS- I introduced them and now it is going very wrong.

Dear Lounge Advice,

Here is the situation for which I am asking your advice:

I have two friends that are a couple. A while back, I introduced them to the idea of the LS and LL. They joined and appeared to be having a great time. However, in recent months and most pronounced in recent weeks, it is clear to me that their relationship is in deep trouble. They each have their reasons for negative feelings toward the other –

Her: He doesn’t enjoy performing certain sexual acts that bring her gratification and is preventing her fun.

Him: She has greater opportunities by virtue of being female and is violating their boundaries with some of her participation choices.

I see jealousy, resentment and disregard for the other building.

A few months back, she was discussing a few thoughts about their participation to me. My advice to her then was that they should step back and find solid ground with their relationship before continuing. I recently mentioned the idea of stepping back to him and he feels that she may choose the LS over their relationship. He feels that he has no choice but to deal with this to keep her as his wife. Now, normally I would say that it is generally not someone else’s business to step in on a trouble relationship. However, to be honest, I am feeling a little responsible for leading them here. I also wonder if sometimes a good friend can bring a voice of reason before their relationship spirals to the point of no return. Right now, there appears to be a “Grand Canyon” between them and I am watching them make the kinds of errors that are irreparable.

What is a friend to do?

Anonymous Friend



Dear (Anonymous),

Dear Friend,

Here are my thoughts on this

1)You are absolutely right about your ascertations and the action that is needed.

2)Despite that, you are the one who introduced them to it. That may place you in a sticky situation.

If you try to dispense your advice to them, they may just write it off because in their minds "You're the one who loved this LS so much that you introduced them to it".

So now you're telling them it's bad for them.

Do you see my point? They may fast forward right past the obvious- That you have the experience in this and therefore you probably know what you're talking about.

They are already getting the "grass is greener" syndrome. The classic symptoms are manifesting.

Despite what I said above, I still think you should try to speak with them again. *Because* of what I said above, this next talk needs to be beyond firm. I've had to come across as downright bossy and overbearing while having this conversation with people. Don't worry if it makes you seem obnoxious and pushy to them. The point needs to be made, and you need to be adament about making it.

Right now, this is a test to the strength of their relationship. TELL them this.
Perhaps they will stop and wonder if they will pass this test.

Hell, use my analogy if it helps: Swinging is like the wind to a fire. If the fire is strong, the LS will allow the fire to become brighter and stronger. If their fire is too weak, this will be the wind that extinguishes their fire.

Ask both of them if they are willing to ruin their foundation over this. It's not as if they need to back out of the LS forever. It will always be here. But they need to step back and iron out their issues first, or the latter part of that analogy will transpire.

Ask them both what their number one priority is. Of course, they will say that it's the marriage.
Ask: Do you TRULY mean that?
Say: Then you need to back the hell out of this until you're marriage and your issues are not only resolved, but gone beyond a shadow of a doubt. The lifestyle will still be here.

So yes, despite your concerns about approaching them again, I feel that you need to do this.
As a friend, I would feel forever guilty about getting them into this and not trying my damndest to set them straight. Yes, they entered the LS by choice, and you didn't force them. But I'm sure that if you didn't try to get them to see the light, you'd be guilt-laden over it.

If you need to, tell them that you and I know each other well. Let them know that you consulted a friend who is well-versed in this type of situation. Inform them of my post here and my extensive experience in these issues and let them know that I do not know who they are-so they do not get upset with someone potentially knowing their business.
Let them know that I've seen this a heartbreaking number of times, and if it's not addressed within the relationship, LS free, then it almost never ends well.

But in the end, even if you have tried your best, what is "meant to be" is "meant to be".
If it doesn't end well for them, it is NOT your fault. The LS just enhanced underlying irreparable issues that you didn't cause.

Please remember that, and don't beat yourself up over a bad outcome. Okay? :)

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