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Question: His ex-girlfriend showing up at same parties- How to deal

Dear Lounge Advice,

We are fairly new to this lifestyle (3 months) and have attended a few events so far. About a month ago we were at an event and he saw his Ex-girlfriend! He was very uncomfortable. Since then, he has looked at her profile and made comments about her still being really HOT. This has made me really uncomfortable and sorta jealous. They dated more than 4 years ago and she is now married. We have received several party invitations for this month and he has noticed that she is also on the guest list. This seems to bother him and he has mentioned this to me. He said he would rather not go to parties where she is, especially if it is a more intimate party, and I agree with him but only because I don't want him to see her. I'm afraid he will keep looking at her and want to have sex with her again! Last week we were invited to a small gathering and were considering going, but didn't. The next morning he looked at the list of guests that attended and she was there. Had we gone, we wouldnt have known ahead of time and been in a really awkward situation. It seems as though both his Ex and us are waiting to RSVP until right before the event.
How do I handle this situation?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

If this is making one or both of you uncomfortable, then I agree that you should refrain from going to the same events.
However, you need to voice these feelings to him. Tell him that it irks you that he is making comments about his ex-girlfriend.
People can be boneheads sometimes and say stupid things without realizing the impact of their words. Perhaps he just needs a gentle reminder that it makes you insecure.

However, a bit of a warning about insecure behavior. Try to keep your insecurities in check. Too many outward displays of this can actually create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you do this, the very thing you fear may come to pass. Confidence about yourself and your relationship with him is probably one of the biggest ways to combat these feelings. It can also ensure that he doesn't have these 'thoughts' you fear he may be having about her.

He also needs to be doing his part in this by giving you reassurance and lifting you up. Tell him that you need this, just as we all do on a regular basis to know that we're valued and cared for.

If these practices are put in place on a regular basis, your mutual security will combat any issues such as the current one you're both facing. Eventually, the positive momentum will allow you to face these things head on- i.e. You will both be able to go to parties even if she is there, and not have any worries, because you are confident and secure in your own relationship, knowing that nothing will come between you.
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