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Question: Insulted for no reason?

Dear Lounge Advice,

I have been in a relationship and we have been exploring the lifestyle for about a year. This is my second query to you so I am having adjustment issues, I think.

This morning, my boyfriend and I had started started having sex and I said to my boyfriend how great it was feeling. He looked up at me and said you know I have been craving (insert single playmate's name here) and her pussy. I started to say this wasn't cool but he asked for an adjustment and really that sort of killed my libido. He immediately began to tell me how wonderful I was and so forth. But I disembarked and said that didn't work for me to be told as soon as we start that he is craving another pussy. "Craving" was the word he used.

He blew up at me and said that this was about trust, and that he couldn't tell me anything because I can't handle it. Well, my question is this: Is it reasonable to expect that we talk about others when we're not fully engaged with each other? To me, it would be disrespecting his sexuality and performance for me to say after a few strokes that I was craving another's penis.

Needless to say, we are still at odds, and he blames it all on me, saying that I don't care about his feelings and his fantasies. Am I being jealous? Paranoid? Insulted for no reason? I did not intend to do anything but say 'not cool'. He actually did not attend a party we were to co-host today.

Please advise.




Dear (Anonymous),

You two are still going through growing pains like many of us did in the beginning. However, if you feel in your gut that the stage of 'growing pains' should be past, then there is a deeper issue. It could simply be that when you two are together, you want him to be 100% 'with you'. If this is the case, then just tell him that you want your together time to be just about you two- something that belongs to you and nobody else.

But, you may be in a state of mind that I have been in with a past partner. Perhaps you feel that he isn't into you as much as he should be. Perhaps you feel that his focus is too consumed by being with other women. Maybe the thought of him thinking about other women when he's not seemingly completely into you.
You may be feeling insecure for some reason, and him expressing desire for another during your intimate time together isn't helping your self-esteem.

He also may be confused about your reaction, especially since you're open to swinging, yet don't want him to verbalize his fantasies.

I can see both sides of this. He may trust you enough to open up about his fantasies while you are together. Your reaction may have alarmed him. I'm willing to bet that it was pretty innocent on his part, and know he feels that he may not be able to open up to you about certain things for fear of your reaction.

Perhaps it may be best for you to take the high road and apologize for reacting as you did. I'm not saying that you were wrong, but he probably feeling very defensive right now. Especially for men, this is a very uncomfortable place to be.
Just sit him down and lovingly talk to him. No accusatory tone, no finger pointing. Let him know that you love him very much and you want your together time to be about you both only. Perhaps suggest an alternate way for him to express his fantasies.

Be the 'bigger man' here and open up a line of communication. You don't want him to feel that he has to keep things from you, but make it known that certain things should be approached with better timing in the future.
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