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Question: Do you feel it is a good idea for a couple who are in a long distance relationship to be active in the lifestyle?

Dear Lounge Advice,
I have a dilemma and I thought about asking you to post it in the forum for me so that I could get others opinion while staying anonymous, but like you have said before, too many opinions aren't always a good thing. I guess I will leave it up to you as far as posting it. Anyway, here goes.......My partner and I are very new to the lifestyle. We have been to a few parties but have only played with one other couple. Overall, the experience was good for the both of us. I (the female half) however, am starting to have some doubts about if this is something I can continue to do with my partner. We have been together for about a year and a half. The last year has been long distance and we try to visit with eachother one to two times a month. After playing with the first couple my partner has really jumped into this with both feet - to the point that he wants us to do something related to the lifestyle on every visit. I, however, feel that I don't want to meet couples every time we are together. He spends a lot of time on the internet (and I stress a lot) trading pics, chatting with other couples, and getting info on other parties and what not. Even though initially this was my idea, I am starting to feel like I don't think I can do this anymore. I feel jealous when another pretty woman is around and I feel like my man does not pay me the attention he should when he is aware of my insecurities. I have told him before to just "hold my hand and take baby steps" with me until I am comfortable, but he always seems to forget that when we are at a party or couples club. Do I think I am going to lose him to another woman we meet? Absolutely not, but yet I still have feelings of jealousy. I have said to him before that maybe we should wait until we are married or at least living together in the same town before we pursue this any farther and he agress. But after a few days he forgets our conversations and brings up doing something related to the lifestyle. I would very much like to be successful in this lifestyle, but I can't seem to shake the feelings of jealousy. Every time I open up mail we have gotten from another couple I cringe at the thought of the woman being attractive. Are these feelings of jealousy natural to a newbie? Will they ever go away? I have never been a jealous woman before and I know I am very attractive myself. Two weeks ago we were at a party and I was very uncomfortable. He knew this yet he wanted to prolong our stay as long as possible. I was boiling inside and probably looked miserable on the outside. The next day I was still pissed at him and he had no idea why? I am starting to resent him because I feel like he is not taking my feelings into consideration. Like I stated earlier we talk about not participating anymore until we are able to wake up next to eachother every morning, but just today he forwarded me an invite to another lifestyle party. Please answer two questions for me. First, do you feel it is a good idea for a couple who are in a long distance relationship to be active in the lifestyle? And second, are my feelings of jealousy normal to a newbie or should I just give up while I still have my sanity?

Going crazy



Dear (Anonymous),

If you want us to post this in the forum please advise and we will be happy to do that for you. This is one of those questions where our answer is going to be given based on our experience and a lot of it based on our feelings on this subject. We can only tell you out of our frame of reference. We say this, as we are sure you would get varied opinions.

The foundations that must be present in order to really enjoy yourselves in the Lifestyle and have your relationship survive, are trust, honesty and very open and strong communication. We are really puzzled when people who have just started dating or just recently gotten married get involved I the Lifestyle. We kinda feel that people should fully develop their sexual and intimacy experiences between themselves before they introduce others into the equation.

I know there are going to some who will disagree. But if you have feelings of jealousy and such, it would be apparent that you have not developed enough trust to be secure enough to do what we do in here. Having a long distance relationship is tough enough. You need for him to be focusing on you more exclusively when you spend the valuable time you have together. We can image that if feels pretty awful at times.

You have also explained a number of situations where you guys are not really communicating that well… both of you. If you are pissed the next day after something occurs.. and he has no idea why… then which one of you is not communicating?

We use the Lifestyle to enhance our sexual play and do not have our sex life dependant upon it. It seems to us that you introduced the Lifestyle into your relationship for fun, but he has jumped on the Lifestyle train and is speeding away like a runaway locomotive. You need to get him off that train.

With the Internet and sites like the Lounge, it is so easy to become absolutely engulfed with the Lifestyle especially since the people in it are so friendly and nice. That is exacerbated because he probably has a lot of time on his hands since you are not with him. This can become addicting... and at this stage of your relationship.. that can become dangerous too. Too much temptation.... he should be addicting himself to you first.

As far as having feelings of jealousy.. to us that is a sign that you guys probably went too far, too quickly, and didn’t wait to proceed until you reached certain comfort levels. If you go slow and over-communicate along the way you should “get it”.

BUT if you are feeling like he is not paying enough attention to you.. and that is totally up to you… then you need to stop until he does the right thing. We would say that HE doesn’t “get it” yet. This is something that you are supposed to be doing as a couple.. with each other.. and for each other’s pleasure. If you are feeling neglected then he needs to give you more of his attention.

If you want to continue in the Lifestyle that is fine.. at least take a few steps back… and slow down. Based on what you are telling us, you are not ready for it.. but its your decision, you’re a big girl. What you may want to do also is tell him that you want to be in control of who you guys meet and get together with. That way he is not the one making all the communications and getting himself all revved up about it.

You will feel comfortable only when you KNOW in your heart that there is no way anyone else can be a threat to your relationship. Until then, those thoughts will haunt you. And this is supposed to be all about fun!!

Again we are telling you that in this subject we can only give you our opinions as we have never experienced what you are explaining.. but we have seen so many new couples just get torn up cause the guy gets so into it and loses site of who got him to where they are.

We are sure he is a great guy...he just needs to be refocused.

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