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Question: He wants to continue swinging, and I want to build a foundation first

Dear Lounge Advice, we are new as a couple but both participated as singles in the past. My issue is this..weve decided to get married, and lifestyle will be a part of our lives. I need some time to "form" as a couple and have experienced pressure from him to be with other couples. When we have played, he leaves me out and focuses on the other female. How do we resolve this?

Thanks, dosequis

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Those who know me best know that I'm not an advocate for the female merely because she shares my gender.

I am on the side of right, and you are right.

Newly formed couples DO need their own time to build their foundation before jumping into the waters too quickly. If you don't do this, you are more likely to develop issues and fail as a couple.

What is the point of getting married if he insists that you immediately go full force into the lifestyle without forming your own bond first?


If he truly isn't willing to take this time to be 'one' with you first, then is a marriage really in your best interest? This is not an easy thing to think about.

But listen to me- I acquiesced to a marriage in the midst of lifestyle relations before truly realizing that I could subsist with my partner without the absolute need to play around. After the marriage, I realized that he needed more than me to be satisfied, and I alone would never fulfill the role alone.

When I remarried, my husband and I developed a deep connection and rock solid foundation upon insistance from us both. We both came from a lifesyle background before marrying. When married, we took a two year hiatus from the lifestyle to develop 'us'. Once we were secure enough with that, then we jumped in. Because of the time we took together, we both know that if we decide to leave the lifestyle altogehter, we are 100% happy with just each other. Once you and your fiancee are sure of this, then you can get back into it. This is not to say that you need to stop going to lifestyle parties. We still went to parties with only the intention to have fun with each other and mingle with cool people. We had no intention of playing, and relayed this to interested people. There is not necessarily a need to leave 'cold turkey'.

IF you have doubts of whether he is more than happy with just you, with no need for outside sex, then you can be secure about getting involved again with this.

Think hard and don't make excuses. This is a HIGE committment and you need to be sure that you have faith in his intentions.
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