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Question: How do I help my wife overcome some of her emotional misgivings about the lifestyle?

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have been married for 8 incredible years. During those 8 years we have expanded each others sexuality beyond..what I believe was each others imagination. We both have enjoyed each experience together and have talked about each experience afterwards.

My question is the following; my wife is an extremely good looking lady who is attracts attention at most places we go out. She has participated fully in our adventures. Non of which included full swap. She as of the past year seems to be intimidated or jealous of other girls/couples. She seems to be shutting out some extremely exciting experiences. What should I say or do to let her know she is still the one. I admit, that I have been approached in public with her there,,,but she has to. I feel that is just more of a turn on. I think she sometimes is ashamed by her past experiences. Primarily due to societies mis-understanding of love and relatiionships. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO PROCEED AND STILL ENJOY THE LIFESTYLE THAT WE STARTED?

Thank you and sorry for the long email.



Dear (Anonymous),

First of all, understand that this is a very normal thing to happen. Even if you have been in the Lifestyle for an extended period of time.. those thoughts creep up. From your question we inferred that you have been in it for a while.. but your profile says that you are kinda new to the Lifestyle… the answers are different for those different couples.

OK, lets not forget that men and women look at the same situation and often times see different things. Men can see their wife being approached by another man… and its a turn on for them that other men find their wife desirable... on the other hand... women can see their husbands approached by another woman…. And it’s a whole different story… they can feel threatened by the other women.

Although you may feel it is nothing big.. her mind is racing away with thoughts of inadequacies and jealousy.

Even though you may be mature in the Lifestyle, you can't cast aside those feelings as insignificant.. to her they are very much real.

The other significant thing is how you are handling what is going on with her right now. If you display any dissatisfaction about the "extremely exciting experiences" you are missing out on as a couple.. or keep asking her what is wrong... again her mind is going off in a direction that you may not be sensitive to. She may be thinking to herself, “Why is he so interested in others….”

We dont know how often you go out for "Lifestyle events" but if it is often.. you may want to consider taking a break and showing her that you are very content just being with her... with no one else involved.

Take a weekend away for just the two of you... (and dont comment on how hot any other women you see...LOLOLOL)

The other thing we have said over and over is that you need to really over-communicate and really find out how she feels.. especially about specific actions that you may be taking.

One of the things we can tell you from first hand experience is that each year as we get older... age plays as many games with our minds as it does with our bodies.

Again not knowing how you guys operate... if this is not the norm for you... try letting her take the lead and make all the choices when you guys are in Lifestyle situations… let her be the aggressor and you are just along for the ride.

The best advice we can give you if you are newer is to just take your time. Try making a commitment that no matter where you go.. you are just going to be with each other for a while. There are so many times that we go out to Lifestyle clubs or events and we are very content just to be with each other no matter what is happening around us. We find that just as exciting.

Many times we see new couples where the hubby ends up acting like a kid in a candy store.. and he really has no idea he is doing it. Even if he were just going around and flirting with other women… we look over to their spouse and their eyes speak volumes for how they feel.

Its all about making her feel comfortable and secure as to what you are in the Lifestyle for… and if your answer is not that you are in it for both of your enjoyment, enjoyment and pleasures….. then you need to rethink even participating.
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