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Question: Complicated Interactions

Dear Lounge Advice,

I hope that you have a moment to read my novel... LOL

I made the mistake pressuring my wife of 19 yrs into the LS about 18 month ago.
I was very selfish and did ask her to forgive me.
We are, or at least were very much in love.
My reason was that I had never been with another woman. I was 42 and just saw my life slip away and I just could not take it anymore to wonder what it would b like to b w/ another woman.
It is really difficult to explain/understand why this grew into such a big issue for me over the years.
I am and always have been deeply in love with my wife and can not and don't want to imagine a life with out her.
I guess that would be a normal midlife crisis syndrome!?

We both were in a monogamous relationship this whole time and have 5 beautiful children together that r living with us.

I probably should mention, that at about age 13 the father of my 1st GF that I was getting some skin contact with, took advantage of me sexually. That lasted about 2 yrs. After that I ended up becoming a call boy for about 2 yrs, but never had any feelings for males.

When I met my wife at age 22 she just swept me off my feet, we got married and we had gr8 sex practically every day, up to 3 or 4 times daily.

When we entered the LS she found it very difficult to get comfortable, even though she had a few multiple partner experiences before she met me (she is 6 yrs older than me). She is a very shy, but super sweet person.
When we finally found a couple she kind of liked after 1 year, I went along anyhow, even though I was not attracted to the female because I was afraid that we'll never get there and saw that as my only chance. The female is actually a very nice and understanding person, but speaks only broken english. Basically our only mode of communication is via email. That makes it even more difficult to build some kind of attachment to her.
I was very happy that she was finally able to break out of her shell.

It never bothered me, actually I loved to see her with him. Then they got more and more into texting and calling ea other all day. That still did not bother me, until she wanted to do things with him alone (without me or his wife to be there), especially when she wanted to do things she had always been too busy to do with me (like going for a walk and watching the sunset).

She only wants to play with this one male, and does not want to add other couples to the mix.
She says that they are not in love but have a very special relationship that she could not find in anyone else, and that she cherishes it and that she does not want to loose him.

The other couple is very nice. They are deeply in love w/ ea other and have no drama and do give ea other hall passes. They have been in the LS for many years. All this does not bother his wife at all even though he says that he never had such strong emotions for another playmate.

At first we would all play together (one big pretzel), but soft swap only.
Then she did not want to play in the same room anymore, but did give me permission to go all the way with her.
It is making me feel so uncomfortable, that I have a very difficult time to become aroused with this one female that I am not really attracted to.

I sometimes have psychogenic ED that seems to get much worse and do have a prescription for meds. I am an outgoing person. I have no problem speaking in front of an audience, however sexually I am very shy. It is difficult for me to get aroused around strangers. Lately it has sometimes also become difficult for me to maintain my erection to climax with my wife, even with meds (20mg Cialis).

She is, very reluctantly, considering to give me a hall pass to go out and find my own single females to play with so I can finally get that out of my system.

While she enjoys anal sex with this male, she wants to remain soft swap where her kitty is for me only, but is agreeable to a half swap for me so I can finally life out my yearnings.

This is not at all what I thought how this is going to work.
I would like for us to play together with a couple. You know, a couple where we're all into ea other.
Actually any other couple but them, or forget about the LS altogether and try to bury my boyhood dreams for good (which thought seems to have a devastating effect on me).

We do talk about it, but she is not really answering my questions. When I email her tough questions, she is ignoring them for the most part or answers my multi page emails with a 1 liner.

I think it is also pertinent, that while I was on a recent 4 week trip, I asked my wife to abstain from texting and calling him and keep it at emailing from our common acct we setup for this purpose only where we both can participate and read/reply until my return. She did not like these boundaries, but we all agreed nevertheless. I informed her, that if the tension is getting unbearable to ask me, and that I would setup a conference call so they could talk. It went well for 2 weeks and she did abide by it until I answered some questions of his, perhaps somewhat ambiguous (english is not my primary language), and she thought it was hurtful for him. She did confess right away that she called him. It bothered me tremendous that she would rather hurt me by ignoring our boundaries in order to comfort him.
He offered to me to step back and end it. I, however, can not take that away from her. I want to see her being happy.

We (well for the most part it is me really) have contact with another interesting local couple, where she actively seeks boyfriends, and her husband likes that.
She is finally agreeable to meet them, but pretty much rules out that she is going to get involved, because she just want to be with her friend.
So it is just going to be a GF for me I guess.
I am very concerned that if I really like her, that I could fall in love and that this might be the end of us.

I am so deeply in love with my wife that it hurts because it seems to me that I am smothering her with my love to the degree where I bother her.

Our survival in love is paramount to me, and I feel that I am the glue that holds us together at this point.

Would I be making another colossal mistake by getting involved with a single female alone,
or would it help me to not only get it over with, with my yearnings, but also to tone down my feelings for my wife so that I no longer overload her with my feelings?
One silent hope would be, when she sees me with another female that it would rekindle her desire for me.


Any advice or insight you could offer would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you before hand.


Sincerely

Confused


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

There are so many obvious flaws with this situation. First, it doesn't seem that you two truly communicated before you got into the LS. The type of communication necessary to build a good foundation is extensive, and crucial. I'm sure neither one of you anticipated any of this, but rules/boundaries should have been estalished prior to going into this.
But, since that didn't happen, it's not too late.
You both have one very substantial thing going for you- you're still in love.

You know how you wanted to get the sex thing with another woman out of your system? I can understand that and don't fault you for it. You seem genuinely remorseful for pressuring your wife into the lifestyle too.
Well, just as you were looking for an experience that was lacking in your life (sexual experience with more than one partner), she is probably fulfilling something akin to that as well. She was with you at a young age, and you are probably the only man she has felt deep love and emotions with.

Men generally feel the need for physical satisfaction (sex) and women are fulfilled by more intangible things like love/affection.

Here's how I think she may be feeling, whether she realizes it or not. And I'm going to present some thoughts that may have crossed her mind during this experience.

* She is excited to feel the intoxicating effects of bonding with someone. It's like being a teenager with a crush all over again. Problem is, she is a grown woman, and it seems that this 'crush', and her attachment to these feelings, is going too far. It's an addicting feeling, and makes her feel like a different, more vibrant woman now that she has re-discovered these feelings.

*Women love to feel coveted and attractive and exciting to a man. You both went through these feelings at the start of your relationship. Most of us do. We usually end up reminiscing about the honeymoon stage of our relationship when we spent more time in bed than out, and our thoughts were dominated by the other person. She is feeling some of that again, and it feels good. Naturally, it's not a feelings she will want to relinquish.

*Relationships can sometimes get monotonous after many years. We tend to let the little things in life build up and define us, sometimes losing site of what made us fall in love with each other to begin with. Perhaps she feels that she is getting something that she needs. I can't be sure of what she may feel is missing, but this behavior does indicate that there IS something missing in your relationship (even if it isn't, she may feel that it is)

*She might currently have the "Grass is Greener" syndrome because of all of these new feelings that are sweeping her off of her feet. The problem lying at the base of all of this is the feelings that have evolved. Perhaps she didn't mean for them to occur, but they are a problem nonetheless. Getting sexual curiosities fulfilled is much less dangerous than partaking in emotional trysts.

*If she isn't already, she will resent you for trying to reason with her, or for trying to set limits on her 'relationship' with this man.

Your wanting to get into the lifestyle backfired, and your acquiescence to her desire for him, despite your lack of attraction to the wife, backfired too.

This is going to be dificult to rectify, but it is possible. You have some choices at this point.
You two need to talk. That's painfully obvious, and it seems that you have already tried multiple times to open up a discourse. She doesn't want to hear it, and she probably doesn't want to talk about it. If you try to pull her away from this, she will resent you.

Since she is already in so deep, maybe it's time to go with an uncommon approach. While some others may advise you to quit the LS cold-turkey, I really don't see that working out so well for you both right now.

So, instead of telling you what you should do, I'll just let you know what *I* would probably do if I was stuck in this predicament.

I would sit my other half down and (without sounding desperate or weak), speak of how much I have cherished our life together. I would point out the beautiful children that we had and thank my spouse for being wonderful to our children and faithful as a partner. I would probably express my regret for anything that seemed to be lacking in the relationship, and that I didn't mean for it to happen. But I would remind my partner that even if life has worn away some of the passion, that the love is still strong. And because the love is still very much alive, that I would be here for whenever my partner needs mem and that I don't intend to push them away. I would tell them that it saddens me beyond words that someone else is providing emotional fulfillment, but I can't force that experience away from them without regret. I would tell my partner that I am always here waiting with open arms when the 'spell' wears off. Because after all, I am the one who has always been here, and that won't change.

In the meantime, you'll have to be the one to figure out whether you want to pursue the girlfriend experience. Just ask yourself: Will this pursuit help or hurt things more than they already are? I can't answer that question for you. Only you can.


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