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Question: Good intentions- No follow through

Dear Lounge Advice,
I'm having trouble believing my wife.
She's voiced plenty of times that going to an LL party, especially theme parties, is something she'd love to do(we've done similar things in the past). I'd settle for us just going out once in a while like she promises but she always finds an excuse not to.
This is a new thing. It used to be that if she said it, it would happen. But she seems to make promises to me (about all sorts of things - not just fun stuff) that I later find she never intended to follow through on.
I felt terrible when I realized my distrust in a heated conversation about our participation on lifestylelounge the other day. I basically got annoyed when she made me some promises and said 'Yeah right. You say that but we never will.'
I think that shocked both of us. Mostly because it's true...

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You need to remove a huge variable for time being- the lifestyle.
There is an underlying dynamic at play here. This could be any number of things, inclduing
- laziness on her part
- confusion and backpeddling
- malicious intent due to jealousy/insecurity
- indifference and lack of conviction
- hesitance and fear
- momentary appeasement to 'get you off her back' about her wishes
- selfishness

But you first need to pin down the issue in ONE area only, not all areas. In other words, eliminate the variable of dealing with the lifestyle for now. Focus on this issue when it comes to 'normal' life only and try to pinpoint the intentions and reasons for the behaviors.

If this is an overarching theme, then the most important thing is to find out the cause, without bringing the lifestyle into the issue. Don't bring it up, or she will feel that you are just worried about 'sexual' things. Focus on the core relationship first to show her that your priorities are straight.
Do NOT get confrontational- Approach the subject in a manner that indicates that you care about her and want to know if something needs to be changed or rectified to make her feel more comfortable about saying 'no' initially if she really doesn't feel that she can follow through with something she says.
Hell, she may just be the spontaneous type who thinks something sounds great at the moment, but when the time comes to follow through, she doesn't feel the whim anymore. I can say that because I have this type of personality, which is why I don't often commit to future events until the time comes close. I may feel like it's a great idea when it's presented, but when the time draws close, I sometimes shrug my shoulders and don't feel the urge to follow through with the plan.
Perhaps you may want to try springing an idea on her pretty close to the actual event time, and see how she reacts. If you still get a whole lot of hesitancy after a few tries, the root of the problem may not lie with her nature of spontanaity.
Of course, she can't just promise to do something and continually back out. This is where compromise and communication come into play. It's not fair to you if she makes promises she can never keep. She needs to committ to her word- Granted, there will be times whenn a promise just doesn't pan out for GOOD reasons, but she may need to be more aware of your feelings.

Just talk.
Often, good communication, no matter how awkward or hard to approach at times, is such a good fix to many problems in a relationship.
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