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Question: Overzealous hubby overwhelming me

Dear Lounge Advice,

While the lifestyle has many different things to offer, we all of course, have our requirements. While I continuously tell my husband what I am looking for and what I need from playtime/playmates, he consistantly choses to interact with couples (mostly the man half) that don't even come close to anything I desire. It has become so consistant that I find myself just "throwing in the towel" and agreeing to meet/play. Of course this leads to resentment as I am playing with men I would not consider intriguing in the mildest form of the word. I feel I do this to pacify my husband as he is "wicked" crazy into the lifestyle, while I just look at it as a benefit to enhance what we have. How do I draw the line without causing unnecessary friction? I love him and enjoy seeing him pleased, but at what cost.....

PS....I love your advice column and have found great info and insight from it.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

You need to stop giving in. He may be excited about this lifestyle, but he shouldn't be allowing that to blind him to the main priority- you. Let him know that you're cool with interacting among couples with whom you get along. However, interaction and friendly chemistry shouldn't always necessitate physical chemistry.
You need to tell him exactly what you said in your last statement. You love him and enjoy seeing him pleases, but there must be a balance.
Perhaps you both need to talk about curbing his enthusiasm. Make a point of kindly noting that most women would not be open to doing this with their husbands. Thus, he has a great advantage that he should keep in perspective. Just because you are open to it doesn't mean that you are open for 'anything goes'. The lifestyle is much akin to a regular relationship, especially since it involves affecting the main relationship. Just as in a regular relationship, there must be compromise and communication about needs. If this doesn't exist, a relationship is bound to fail, or at least be unhappy. Draw the same parallel to the lifestyle when you speak with him.
If compromise, communication and respect for one another's needs and preferences exists, you can both thrive in this.
But if it doesn't, you will not be inclined to want to participate anymore.
Ask him what would be worse- Compromise and a bit more selectiveness, or an eventual withdrawal on your part because you aren't having much fun.
Try to get him to see that compromise and respect for each other's feelings will keep you both happy in the lifestyle. Without that, it will be a fast and furious end to what could be a great endeavor for you both.
Again, he is lucky to have you open to this. Let him know that he doesn't want to spoil that advantage.
Be kind, but be assertive. If he truly loves you, he will try to see your side of things, and make a change to help you out.
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