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Question: Handing out rejection kindly

Dear Lounge Advice,


I would like some input/feedback on how to say No politely.
When my husband and I attend LS events, I often don't know if I am interested sexually in somebody until I fool around a little to test the chemistry, meaning dancing, flirting and kissing.
This gorgeous girl (couple) approached us, (me) and I thought I'd be into her but somehow her style didn't quite click with me to take it further than flirting, dancing, kissing at the event.
She knew I was bisexual and she was very bisexual to the point where she actually has been in lesbian relationships. My husband felt a little left out when she was all over me and I tried to include him more but she clearly wanted me...When my hubby made out with her, her husband expected to get his turn with me, so I kissed him to be polite because I wasn't interested in him at all. He was a great kisser but I very seldom to almost never feel any desire to be with another man.
Then the woman asked me if I wanted to take this further and I told her I was pretty content with what we're doing and that we're not a full swap couple, can't remember what esle I had added in my response.
They quickly excused themselves and she was very stand off-ish after that, while he was still very polite and double checked our LL handle info.
I asked her to dance some more but she said no and I am fine with that.
Later on when they left the party she seemed very cold even though she pecked my lips good bye. I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I also didn't want to do anything I wasn't 100% into because I keep reading about the importance of that in the Forums.
My husband didn't understand why I wasn't into her knowing how much I love women and honestly neither did I. i couldn't figure it out at first why I wasn't into more.
I almost questioned my bisexuality until we met this "other" couple at the after party suite in the hotel and we ended up going to their room for some play.
It was mostly her and me, she was sweet, sexy and gentle and they were very new to the LS.
It felt like mutual respect and interest, we kissed caressed and I went down on her for a little while. I loved how she went back to her man to mix it up and I did the same.
My husband felt her breast and kissed her a little while I made my boundaries clear to her husband. I allowed him to touch me but didn't kiss him or did anything to him.
Eventually we left and got in touch later what (soft and harmless) fun we all had.
The guys were so happy to admire us two girls and nobody pressured anyone for more.
I know the woman I turned down was very upset, but I am not obligated or leading anyone on just because I kiss them or do I?
She must be used to a lot of attention but to me it's not how beautiful someone is but how compatible our styles or chemistry is.
Any feedback on how to deal with this better or more kindly?

Thank you!



Dear (Anonymous),

You did the absolute right thing by telling that woman you weren't interested in more play immediately after you realized that it wouldn't work out. It sounded like you were very kind about it as well. Her reaction is HERS to deal with, and you shouldn't feel any guilt for being honest with someone. She can work through her own resentment, and she also needs to realize that the full play package shouldn't be automatically assumed, even if there is a little bit of flirting.
Perhaps you can do this in the future: Strike up a conversation and stear it towards your approach to play situations. Just mention that you need to test the waters a bit before deciding how far to go. Make sure you get that info into the initial 'getting to know you' talk, then when the other person(s) receive a 'thanks but no thanks' from you, they can't say that you led them on.
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