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Question: Are we strong enough for this lifestyle?

Dear Lounge Advice,

Most of the time, I feel uncomfortable when my husbands starts to flirt with other females during events, specially when their other half views that as a green light to start moving in on me and I am NOT attracted to them. I get so annoyed with my husband because mostly he doesn't even feel attracted to the women he flirts with but feeds his self esteem with the game.

What you should know is that we have had a 3some, tried a full swap (FYI, my hubby couldn't perform).
My husband didn't like hearing me having sex with the other man, as he confided in me later.
He also recently cheated on me and realized he doesn't want to sleep with other women.
I know, sounds kind of messed up but I guess he came to that conclusion after he got to have his cake and eat it too.

I am still very very hurt about his affair, specially since it was AFTER we had a 3some (with a different woman than the one he cheated with) and I told him he could confide any of his desires to me...Well, the woman he chose to cheat with, was off limits (my "best" friend) whom we met in the LS and were friends with her AND her husband who are not very active in the LS, like us.My husband told me he doesn't know why he did it, as things were so great with him and me but perhaps the temptation and opportunity was made too easy (starting out with lunches and then she booked a room to get him into bed...).
He seems to like kissing and petting other woman but still denies wanting to sleep with others...?!

Sad part is, I am STILL open to the LS, even after the broken trust.
I am getting anxious when he doesn't communicate about his intentions. I never know what it means when he suddenly puts his arm around another woman and gives her compliments.

All I ask him to do, is to check in with me about how he's feeling (naughty, happy just to be there or just flirtacious...?!), so I can kind of prepare myself and mostly feel included.
He even sometimes says something bad about a woman and then compliments her straight into her face just to be liked or "nice".

I am tired of the man of the women he flirts with and don't think it's fair of my husband to do what he does without talking to me first??

When I pointed this out the last time, he seemed to understand my point and said he needs to become more aware of how his actions can be (mis)interpreted.
He does it just to be nice and flirt but they view it as interest.

I told him, I am nice too to people but know that if I start flirting and pawing on them they probably take it as "I am interested".

Do you have any other input for me on this?
I never doubt his love for me but think his behavior gets us into avoidable arguments, specially since I am open to all as long as he stays connected and communicates to me which seems like such a challenge to him for some reason.

Thank you for your time!

Sabine M.



Dear (Anonymous),

I'm really sorry to say this, as it's probably not what you want to hear.

You both do not belong in the lifestyle. Your problems with become worse, and perhaps affect others in the process. Both of you have too many prominent issues between you that will not get any better by partaking in swinging.

Here's my analogy that I have been using for ten years:
The lifestyle is like the wind. If your fire is weak, the lifestyle will be the gust that exterminates your flame. If your fire burns strong, the lifestyle will fuel your fire and make your flame burn brighter.

Is your flame strong enough, and can it survive this?

Don't lie to yourselves when you answer the question.

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