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Question: Insecure about wife's actions with other men vs. me

Dear Lounge Advice,
It seems I always have to know how big the guy is when my wife has sex with another guy. I wish i didnt care how should I deal with this. sometimes she does things with a guy she has never done with me and I hate it. I feel there is nothing she should ever share with another if she has'nt done it with me. If this fair or am i over reacting. I also never want her to give her best in bed with another man, she is so intense in bed that it makes other guys think they can just pound her out as hard as they can. I dont like it how do I deal with it. I tell her not to let this happen, but sometimes she forgets to contriol the situation, an I handling this all wrong??????



Dear (Anonymous),

You never want her to give her best in bed with another man? Is this because you're afraid that a man will get carried away with her enthusiasm and hurt her in result?
Or is this because you only want her best reserved for you?
If it is the former reason, then wouldn't she speak up if she didn't like what was being done to her?
If it is the latter situation, how is that fair to ask? How is it fair to ask someone to 'give a little less' than the best. How does that look? How much 'less' than her best would satisfy you? That request would frustrate the hell out of me.
Now, if you simply mean that she is more passionate with other men than she is normally with you, I want you to consider something.
She has FEELINGS for you, and that's lovemaking.
What she is partaking in is SEX.

Think back to your first time with her, or your first time with any woman for that matter.
For any of us, the first time or that 'honeymoon' period of sex is almost ALWAYS amazing because it's new and exhilirating. Not having the comfort that comes with time tends to let our hormones rush, and the excitement of newness can intensify passion. Time can temper our passion with our lovers, but time can also heighten our love and comfort with our partners. Thus, the lovemaking may not be AS intense, but it doesn't mean that it's a lesser experience than what you see happening with her and another man.

Does this make sense?

Okay, on the flipside, if she is constantly doing certain things with other men that she simply won't do with you, then this is something you both need to communicate about seriously. Don't be confrontational or defensive. Just approach the conversation calmly and with the goal of making both of your experiences better. Do not accuse- simply open up your feelings by saying "I feel ____________ when this happens, and I want to know how to make _________ better".

This way, you aren't approaching her by saying "You do or don't do this............"

By approaching a serious conversation with tossing around "you this" and "you that", it comes off as accusational and you will put the other person on the defensive.

Express your concerns by using "I" statements and focusing on the problem, not the person.

If the emotions escalate, step back and give each other time to think. Heightened emotions lead to irrational conversations at times, and we all need time to return to a rational state of mind before reasserting our points.

Bottom line: You both need to communicate about this. Badly.
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