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Question: Compromising on MFM repeat encounters

Dear Lounge Advice,

We've been tiptoeing around the lifestyle periphery for a couple years and just recently jumped in with a MFM with a vanilla we picked up in Vegas. Probably a mistake for our first time, but it is what it is. What a truly hot night...but looking back on it, I, the Mr., sensed that the Mrs. was REALLY into the guy...on more than a physical level, and I know he was into her like that. Though afterwards when we talked about it, she says there was no attraction like that...just sex.

However, we happen to find ourselves in this guy's town on another trip and after sex tonight, she says she wants to meet up with him again to play...one last time. I have concerns as I have always been comfortable with our play being random encounters rather than repeats. She says she understands that but says she is "comfortable" with him and wouldn't feel comfortable playing with random guys. I respond that when we first hooked up, this guy was random and that a repeat makes me uncomfortable as it seems to be an affection vs. comfort. Again she says no attraction...then fine, no need to hook up then.

I am torn as I want her to be happy more than anything in the world but the concern about the attraction lingers.

I've heard that it is not uncommon for the lady to become attracted if not attached to her first encounter.

My concern is that if we decide to not play with this guy, that the lifestyle is over for us before it begins...and believe me, we've made this a long long journey already. She has said, why don't we just close this door then? I respond that I don't want to close the door on play, just the door on that guy. Like I said, I'm fine with playing MFM or FMF or MFMF...just repeats with the same single male partner bother me. I ask her to look at it from my POV, which she says she can understand.

Haha...I can almost guess what your advice will be... ;-)

Tragically vanilla?



Dear (Anonymous),

Compromise in this situation looks like this:

You both agree that she can have MFM encounters. Your wish is that they are not repeat rendezvous.
She gets what she wants and you get something that you want. Perhaps it's not 100% of what she wants, nor 100% is you being selfish, as you are partaking in an activity that really turns her on.

That's compromise, and perhaps you two should talk about what the meaning of this word is and how the situation looks when it is applied fairly.

Perhaps in time, after you get more accustomed to this lifestyle, you can both revisit the terms and things can change. She has to give you the time to adjust to things, or if she pushes too hard for everything that she wants, she may just push you in the wrong direction. Then she will get nothing.
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