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Question: Non- LS related problems

Dear Lounge Advice,

This is not a lifestyle related question. But the issue has all but ended our sex life and participation in the lifestyle. It also has put our future together in jeopardy.

My spouse has not had a job in 7 years. I have worked and supported the family this entire time. Early on when the kids were young we agreed it was best for one of us to be home. But now they are 8 and 10 and in school all day. It is long past due for my spouse to get a job. Two years ago I really started putting my foot down for them to finish their resume and get serious. All I have heard since then is excuses. I had a business that closed two years ago and I was able to find a new job. If you treat looking for a job as if it were a full time job then eventually you will find something.

Instead of looking for a job they went back to college part time taking one class per semester. This makes them feel productive and like they are accomplishing something but it doesn't pay the bills. It actually is costing us money in tuition we are supposed to be saving for the kids education, and at this rate it will take them another 6 years to get a degree.

If I was rich and making enough for us to live comfortably I wouldn't have a problem with it. But my new job does not pay well and we've had to cut back big time. We are pretty much living paycheck to paycheck and some months we go in the red or have to spend savings. We are going broke. They don't seem to care or are concerned based on their actions. We have huge arguments about it. Lately I just can't handle it anymore. I'm getting panic and anxiety attacks. We can't even communicate because my anxiety and stress results in me getting very angry when we talk about it because they don't change their behavior or priorities. I'm at the point where I'm ready to threaten them with divorce if they don't get a job. We can't communicate because it always ends up in a fight and they refuse to accept any responsibility.

This situation has been devasting to our relationship. Our sex life is now nonexistent and honestly I feel so angry and upset with them that I don't even want to have sex or be near them. In a way I feel betrayed because they are not helping to support the family even during this time of dire need. I need a partner not a leech.

How do I get through to them?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

I'm a bit confused when you talk about 'them'. Are there two partners involved or are you speaking of adult children?

At any rate, you're going to continue on this same path, beating your head against the wall and being a doormat. Trust me, I've been there before and when a pattern is that evident, it's very unlikely that the pattern will be broken.

We teach people how to treat us, and you're teaching a poor lesson by continuing to stick around and support a deadbeat.

I hate to say it, but it's either time for a hard ultimatum, or it's time to walk and move on.
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