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Question: I don't feel as if I'm the main priority- It's the LS

Dear Lounge Advice,

I am very new to this lifestyle but my partner of more than a year is not. I've asked him to have patience with me (I'm not up to his speed yet) but he seems to push it even more. I want to take it to the next level but hold back because I don't feel supported. How can I approach him about this? Also, he talks about the lifestyle CONSTANTLY. This makes me feel like this has nothing to do with me and it's all about what pleases him. How can I approach him about this? I want this to be a partof my life, not the whole thing. I am trying to figure ou if we can ever get on the same page or if it's time to move on.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Dig your damn heels in and TELL HIM exactly what you told me. Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings. Let him know that the constant talk is making you feel insecure and second fiddle. Let him know that you need to feel SECURE in the relationship and not feel that the lifestyle is the main priority. If you aren't secure, it won't go farther. This should be an accessory, not a necessity. He's thinking of it as a necessity and doesn't seem like the type to be satisfied with just you if it had to be that way. At least his behavior is communicating that. I've been in the situation before and I've had to be the mood-killer and forbid lifestyle activity until I felt that I was truly valued, and even if the LS wasn't in the picture anymore, he'd be perfectly fine with that since he had me. But sadly, no matter how much I laid down the law, I never got to feel that. I moved on.
If you keep feeling this way, no matter how much you communicate, you may need to make a hard decision as well. I had to do it after 7 years of marriage. Twice. Don't take as long as I did. Please. Too much time was lost with me trying to give chance after chance, but finding out that I was never the main priority.
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