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Question: Me vs. the LS

Dear Lounge Advice,


Hi,

I met a wonderful man that has been in the lifestyle for over 10 years. When we first met he slowly introduced me to the life
Style. I had fun but was never comfortable with a full swap which was ok with him It got to the point where the lifestyle literally took over our life. Every single weekend we were out. I started to get burnt out and unhappy with it. The situation came to a climax when he kissed another girl in front of me in a sexual way without my permission. After that happened I threatened to leave and told him I was not comfortable participating in the lifestyle anymore. We are going to counseling but I have caught him trying to solicit sex behind my back twice on a personal ad site. He promised that he won't do it anymore but now the trust has been injured I feel like I need to heal before I can comfortably get involved with ll again. We are now engaged. I am willing to go with him to a few major events per year but that's it. He is stating that this lifestyle is very important to him and that he knows he won't change. In order for me to participate I have to heal and have my trust re established. I don't know what to do. He is a wonderful man and I don't want to leave him

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

I had a 'wonderful' man like that once. Same story as yours. He was perfect enough that I was willing to suck it p and compromise. Please forgive me for being blunt. I am not doing it to be cruel . I am relaying my experience to help you make a HARD decision.

My 'perfect' man was caught researching escorts merely two weeks after I moved in with him. Whenever I went to work, he would surf porn and we slept together an average of three times a year, and I was a PORNSTAR!

And a devoted, faithful woman to him, devoid of drama. I too was fed the same story- "I won't do it again". And I believed it because he seemed so perfect.

See, like your guy, the lifestyle was SO important to him.

In hindsight, the important thing was being able to have a devoted woman and free for all sex with other women by placating me.

Wake up baby girl. Please. Red flags are flying and you know it! I shoved those red flags aside, blinded by love.

But then came marriage, repeated behaviors that left me feeling undesirable and with a crushed self-image despite all of my attempts to remedy the situation- including counseling.
LISTEN to what you said to me! He told you that this lifestyle is important to him. A REAL man would say that YOU are important to him, and if necessary, he would leave it all behind if you felt so poorly about the situation.

Letís reword his statement to what he's REALLY trying to tell you- "Baby, I'm going to be in the lifestyle whether you like it or not. So you're along for the ride, like it or not"
You said "Yes" to is proposal for marriage. Stop saying yes to this man and decide if you can live with this 'til death do you part'. If you think you can, than a slow inner death will truly do you part.

You are not his main priority sweetheart, and you know it deep down inside. Don't you? I threw seven years away on a man who promised "not to do it again".
And it was my own damn fault.

Email me privately and I will give you my phone number so we can talk further. I ache for you deeply as I write this because its so similar to my own past battles.

I AM here for you.

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