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Question: My wife's interest in a single man is concerning me.

Dear Lounge Advice,

Hi there. A little background on us. We have been in-and-out of the "lifestyle" for 20 years. A dance here, a convention there. Not a lot of real playing. But this past year things finally came together where we both feel comfortable meeting other couples and playing. We have also joined in a nudist lifestyle on occasional weekends. So we have made it to a level that I personally have yearned to be at for most of our marriage.

We play together in the same room and it has been fun. We are after one another all week long three times a day. Very sexually open with each other and in love.

So I have mixed feelings after going to a dance on New Years and having her "fall" for a guy. She danced with him for over an hour locked in his arms kissing full on, whispering, and allowing his hands all over. She stroked him openly.

Now, he is not married and simply had a date of convenience that allowed him into the dance. His date did connect with me a bit, we danced and had fun. She was attractive and nice but not my first pick. Later, I know he sent her back to me to try to make a better connection. But I was dancing with a cute little thing that had me interested. So we spent a lot of time apart for that part of the evening.

Bottom line is we had already made a date with another couple for that evening so she turned down his offer to come to his room. They exchanged numbers and I shook hands with him but really never talked to him.

Well, today she tells me she called him. She is giddy like a school girl. He called back and she told him she would have rather been with him that night and now they have a date to meet. I will be there because we will be on a small trip. She is not even planning to go to bed with him just "get to see him" so "why would he need a date for that". Meaning he may not bring anyone else along this time. I am not really into meeting single guys for a threesome. Neither has she been into that in the past.

I have not reacted or even really decided how I feel about all this but something tells me this was not in the plan when we decided to play as a couple with other couples? I am reluctant to stifle her explorations because I have waited so long for her to get to a level of comfort where we can just relax and go with it.

I think she is being open and honest about her interest in him but she is being a bit selfish about falling for a single guy and then setting a non-sex date while we are on a trip just to get to see him again.

We have a solid relationship and I honestly am not jealous but I am a bit concerned that this might go a bit south on both of us.

So what do you think?


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

We think that you are at one of those dangerous junctions that can be faced in the Lifestyle and you need to deal with this situation before it gets out of hand.

First and foremost you need to have a serious communication with your wife and tell her how you feel. If you have a rule to only play as a couple then you have to live by it and not deviate.

We only play with committed couples or married couples for just that reason... we do not view the word "couple" as just meaning two.

Also, we always give a little disclaimer that this is just the way we view things and many other couples are fine with things the other way... but it sounds like you two separate a lot more than we do... so its easy to fall into the situation that you are in.

Based on the tone in your writing, and the way you are describing the whole situation.... you are really more concerned than you want to admit. And that is fine.. it is ok to be concerned.

Hate to sound harsh... but... PUT AN END TO THIS NOW. We have seen situations like this lead to nothing but problems. What starts as something innocent can snowball into a major situation.

You are a couple... you are doing this for both of your enjoyments... when one person is having feelings or concerns like you are it is a major red flag. Nip it in the bud... NOW..

Risk the fear of stifling her excitement... what you are risking by not saying anything is way more valuable.

We dont care how solid a relationship is or how little jealousy anyone has... if you are in an uncomfortable situation you need to COMMUNICATE that.

What you may wish to do after all of these years is have a conversation and revisit what your rules are for each other and what your definitions are for certain things (ie single men... couples... playing together... communicating with others alone, etc.) A refresher chat about those things is always good to make sure you both are on the same page... and resist the urge to say "ok" when you really mean "NO"
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