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Question: The rule is the rule

Dear Lounge Advice,

On NYE last year, we were invited to a house party. We knew the couple who was hosting, had partied with them before, and knew other couples at the party. As the night went on, I had had too much to drink so my partner helped me into bed. Probably about an hour later, I woke up to find him not with me. I went up stairs and found him with the hosting couple, and the other Mrs was giving him oral. Iím positive that if I hadnít gone upstairs they would have had sex. Alcohol and drugs were a factor.

We have since gone through counselling. As our always play together rule was VERY clear. I feel that we have made alot of progress. I still feel sometimes that I canít trust him or that maybe he values sex over our relationship.

We have a great relationship otherwise and are best friends. Iím worried as we get closer if another incident like this happens, I would have to cut ties with the LS, though he assures me it wont happen again. Iím worried that if I cut ties with the LS he would no longer want to be in a relationship.

What are your thoughts?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Dear Anonymous

First of all the rule was clearly broken if you have the "play together only" rule. I am glad to hear that you went to counseling. Trust is a very important piece of being in the LS. I will say this, Trust is like a clean piece of white paper, if you crumple it up one time, no matter what you do to it, smooth it out, iron it, etc...it will never be quite the same. Not to say that broken trust requires the ending of a relationship, just know that it is a scar that will remain with the relationship forever. However, scars are reminders of where we have been and what we have survived. Your role in this by choosing to stay with him in the LS is to give him back the trust that was broken...completely...otherwise, you will have a difficult time no matter where you are in the LS. However, trust is earned and he needs to "prove" to you that he is in this for the long haul. I would recommend that you share with the counselor and him your concerns about how he may "value sex over your relationship" and get that cleared up. At the end of the day, you need to feel comfortable and confident with your partner in the LS, and if you are concerned that if you "left" the LS he would leave you...that is a red flag. Good luck and keep me posted ;)
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