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Question: Please Communicate Desires

Dear Lounge Advice,
My fiancť and I met as singles in the lifestyle 3 years ago. I had not had a whole lot of experience, just a few months, but he had been the single male for over 10 years. We are completely in love but I want to give him more. I want it to be a fun thing we enjoy together. He spends a lot of time and energy into finding single guys, girls and couples for me/ us/ him to play with together. But he is communicating all day every day with multiple people, maybe for weeks without including me. I almost always only find out about such texting and chats when the random whoever(s) are at our party or hotel room that he invites them to with out even telling me.... no clue and feeling really stupid for not knowing who they are or anything about the relationship they have developed. I never know who is expecting what from me and I usually am so caught off guard and confused that I ruin whatever he was wanting to do. I really want to be able to give him the chance to have fun with the lifestyle with the ability to go "hunting" but I want to be included too so it is not so awkward. I kind of feel like I am getting in the way of his ability to have fun. I also donít know how to "hunt" for fun for him and us. Iím not willing to have private text message conversations or private emails. So how do I get to be included in the fun? It is starting to ruin what I had hoped to get out of this lifestyle. It use to be something fun we did together now its something he has fun with without me. Any suggestions?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Dear Mrs. Left Out

First and foremost, if you partner is engaging in these conversations/text messaging/emailing, etc. for your benefit...I would think that he would WANT to include you...unless there is possibly an ulterior motive, which is up to you to decide. However, that said, I would communicate to him the importance of him "sharing" this experience with you...for all the reasons you describe in this message. I would also communicate to him that something that "excites" you would be to "return the favor" and "hunt" for some compatible partner experiences for him. Have him share with you what it is that "excites" him and what he would like to "play" with on occasion, so that you would feel like you are part of a "team" working to find truly exhilarating, sexy experiences for each other. I know some couples that, on occasion, like to "surprise" their partners with a special "treat" now and again. However, this is the exception rather than the rule. I believe communication is key here for you and your partner to find a "happy medium" where you are both having your needs met. Because what is starting to happen, based on the emotions I am picking up from your message, is that you are feeling left out, not included, taken by surprise, and the like, and this is creating a feeling of disconnect with you and your partner...and if you continue to allow this to go on, it will only further the separation you are feeling, and eventually he begin to feel it as well. I hope this helps. Good Luck and Stay Sexy
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