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Question: My husband has very high standards for other men... how do I get him to lighten up?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband got me into the lifestyle before we were married, and I love it! The problem that I have is his standards. We have no problem agreeing on a woman, single or in a couple. Our quam is agreeing on the man. When we find a beautiful (inside and out) woman, if she is with a man, he is not quite up to par for him, or if I find a single man (which I seem to be one of the few who enjoys a single man, and he still seems oopen to the idea) he is not comfortable with it for fear that he (the single man) will become attached to me and try to steal me away. I know, and I thought that he knew, that he is the one (and I mean ONE) guy that did it for me. Is it possible to reassure him or am I "beating a dead horse". He is not the insecure type, I was always the one in our early relationship that needed reassurance. We have been married for almost 2 years and have casually met with quite a few other couples to no avail. Are we just such different types that we can't agree and he needs to (God forbid)" Take one for the team" by watching me with a guy that I enjoy, or am I so shallow that I am not seeing his true concerns and need to steer clear of his "ideas of jealousy"? Don't worry about posting this. If you could get back to me in anyway, it would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

We hope you can appreciate that we went ahead and posted this as an anonymous question... as we have a feeling that your hubby may not have wanted this posted to the gen pop. If you want us to change that.. send us an email.

Based on what you are saying here... we would have to disagree with you that your hubby is very open to the idea of bringing a single man into your fold. If we are not guessing correctly... then what you really need to do is be patient.

Perhaps he is open to the idea but he truely needs to be 100% comfortable with the person in order to be able to share you that way. Instead of viewing it as a problem... you may wish to take this as a huge compliment. Maybe he is thinking of you as a jewel that he does not wish to share with just anyone...

If you are participating in the lifestyle you really need to keep your antenna up and be very sensative to the fears and concerns of your partner. This is supposed to be an activity that brings you guys closer together and not polorize yourselves.

What strikes us as strange is that in your profile you do not even say that you are open to single men at all... maybe its because you dont want to be barraged with replies... but it is something that is telling.

As our friends know, we are very very very picky on who we play with... and each of us have absolute veto powers in turning down any situation. If either of us have any doubts... we respect each others decisions WITHOUT QUESTION.

This is all supposed to be about fun for BOTH of us.. and if anyone is going to feel uneasy at all... its just not worth it for the moment.

We view the lifestyle.. and life itself... as just a series of moments... and when those moments are over... we are with each other. When the moment is right.. its pure ecstasy... when its wrong... we pass.

Our advice to you is to definately NOT push the issue... but communicate with him about what his feelings are... more than likely he knows how you feel already and what you are wanting...

We find that many times couples need to use these situations as opportunites to explore each others fears, concerns, hopes, and desires... and concentrate on the positives.

The key is always communication.. if you over communicate you can rarely do anything but solidify your relationship and understanding.
Good Luck !!!
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