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Question: To Stay and Play vs. Run

Dear Lounge Advice,

So, I feel ubber dumb for contacting you already but seriously, I need a little advice. Iím highly educated and have just started exploring the swinger lifestyle. I have dated in alternative communities before and have had both positive and negative experiences. I joined LL and had immediate luck with a gentleman that was a great fit! We like so many of the same things sexually and he was able to please me in a wonderful and caring way. We talked about getting together again but it has been awkward. He is married and is bi sexual but he plays with couples here and some singles and sais he and his wife have a "donít ask donít tell" agreement with one another because they tried to start swinging together and she decided she didnít like it. After one night together he talked about wanting to make me his slave (Iím a bit of a SUB) but I didnít realize what a slave truly was and how that was different than a SUB until I started doing some more reading. At first he didnít mind that I sent him lots of sexy emails and said it was OK to over communicate. Something shifted real fast though and suddenly he said I was annoying to him and that I was insecure and had all these hang ups and that he thought I was all over the place and etc etc etc implying that I could not handle the lifestyle and swinging with him again. Honestly, he got a little humiliating about it and I had my feelings hurt. Heís saying that if I want to connect with him on an emotional level then I need to be a total submisse to him even from afar (he is a business traveler). I really like this guy but Iím confused and he is making it a lot about me and my fears and said I need to get over my hang ups and not talk about the past with him.
So, my guess is I sound like I am whining here but I do like this guy and felt a connection with him and still do. We agreed to give it a breather and for me to contact him next week sometime (heís going to be in my area Aug 5/6). I donít want to push myself and be too hard on myself about all this because Iíd like to hold on to a friendship at the very least. I joined because I wanted to explore my bi side and have some no strings attached experiences with nice respectful people that were DD free. What does this sound like? Do I sound like I am new and maybe not getting it or that Iíve got some underlying expectations? I was wondering if this might have something to do with the single male issue...itís almost like he wants to have a playmate to make "his slave" so he can play with other couples. I feel like he and I need to get to know each other better 1:1 before I could do that and be safe and trust everything would go well.
Thatís all for now, thank you.



Dear (Anonymous),

No need to feel "Uber Dumb" Feelings and emotions are never dumb. Having said that, with the knowledge that you are just starting to explore the lifestyle, I implore you to not put all of your eggs in this one basket. Although you had, what appears to be a wonderful experience with this person at one time, it seems that his version of "slave" and your version of "sub" are a bit different...maybe even a lot different. I say this because it is possible that part of the "slave" role is to be humiliated, demeaned, and badgered, which is the behavior he seems to be expressing towards you currently. If not, quite frankly, he just seems to be an asshole. Not to mention a red flag popped up for me when describing how he and his wife have a "donít ask, donít tell" policy...that seems to scream a lack of veracity on his part. One way to be certain that everything is on the up and up...something that I would require of any and all partners I chose to play with is a connection with the spouse/significant other, just to confirm that everyone is on the same page. I am not stating that this is exactly the case her, but unfortunately, some people use the lifestyle to "cheat" on their significant others in a forum that is highly sexually charged and allows for anonymity.

I also question his assessment of your insecurities and "hang ups" and you being "all over the place" and not able to handle the lifestyle. Who makes him an expert on your behavior? (again, I wonder if this is part of his role playing the dominant to your slave). I implore you to not allow this ONE person to influential the way you wish to experience the lifestyle. Itís okay to check in with yourself about your feelings...are there insecurities? does it feel overwhelming? do you believe that you were "overcommunicating?" If so, that is something that you will need to work on either on your own or with a therapist. If not, then that is HIS issue. I have a hard time with people that humiliate and criticize others because of their own imperfections. Projection is a word that you should incorporate into your vocabulary. Usually when others are pointing the finger at you and saying negative and hurtful things, it is almost always a deflection from themselves onto others because its easier to blame someone else for their shortcomings vs. taking responsibility for their own poor behavior.

If you are comfortable role playing as a "submisse" these are situations that you might find yourself in. If it is too hurtful or humiliating, then possibly that is a role you might need to avoid in the future.

I question why you would want to talk about the past with him? The idea is not to have an intimate relationship with this married man. I could be a bit confused myself as to what it is that you specifically want from him. You discuss wanting to potentially have a friendship "at the very least" with this man, and yet the very definition of the role he wants to play with you seems to be his "slave" and friendship would not be a part of that relationship. You may want to re-evaluate if this is the right fit for you in the long-term. I am not sure more 1:1 will bring you anything more than what he has already provided; however, it is possible.

My highest recommendation/suggestion would be for you to experience several more partners before engaging with him again, so you can get a better idea of what it is that you are looking for in a playmate. Explore you bisexuality more and see where that leads to, and make sure that whatever you are doing, you are enjoying yourself and having fun. Your number one priority should always be to feel safe and comfortable with whomever you play with. Good Luck and Stay Sexy

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