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Question: Honesty vs. Vague Truths

Dear Lounge Advice,

Iíve written in before and was pleased with your response, thanks. So, Iím sorting through something I may need to do more processing with elsewhere. I found a new playmate here, we click in lots of ways. He is married and he told me this up front. He is very private though and wants to keep his identity a secret and any communication about his wife is off limits. Iím used to having more open arrangements and Iím curious, what kinds of problems might come up for me if I choose to continue playing with this gentleman? Iíve had NO MARRIEDS as a personal standard before, had one brief affair many years ago and it was a mess for everyone so I swore I wouldnít do it again. Is it paranoid for me to worry about STIís, emotional safety for him at home, my emotional safety? He keeps asking me to separate the emotions from the sex act which I know is easier for some people than others. For him sex is more like an extreme sport, for me itís more like a tantric transformation. Could you offer any feedback on this? Hopefully Iím not being too vague in my question, maybe you get the gist of it.
Thanks-

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Hi there

First let me start by saying that finding the right partner, in LS or the vanilla world, is a highly satisfying experience. I can certainly appreciate your description of "tantric transformation," because the right connection gives us all (well most anyway) a sense of feeling complete; like we spend our lives really looking for our "other half."

However, having said that, I have some red flags that are going up for me here, first, why does his identity need to be so private and why is communication with his wife "off limits?" Does she know, and approve, of his experiences with other women? My concern with this is two-fold, namely your feelings/emotions as well as the feelings/emotions of his wife. (Let me say it is possible that everyone is on the same page and is in agreement with all of this secrecy in which case, please disregard above).

Next, if you "swore" you would never dabble with "marrieds" again, what it is about this man that has made you question your own values/beliefs? Why did you decide to "go off the reservation" after such a difficult experience in the past?

Consequently, you are never "too paranoid" to worry about STIís...hopefully you are honoring yourself and doing the necessary check-ups.

Emotional safety is something that each individual needs to take care of themselves. I am not saying that you cannot appreciate and take into consideration his emotional safety, but it is not your responsibility. YOU and YOU alone are responsible for your own feelings (others only contribute to how we feel...in the end it is YOUR choice as to how you respond to someone else).

For most women, and men (more than most think) it is very difficult to separate sex from emotions. I know many would like to believe that this is possible, especially in the LS, but as human beings the two go hand-in-hand...like peas and carrots...as so eloquently put by Forrest Gump ;)

Having said that, most people involved in the LS are able to experience multiple playmates and not be "emotionally connected" to anyone other than their #1, but it is difficult to engage in any type of sexual act without feeling some emotion, although it isnít "love"...hopefully most would agree with me.

I would take into consideration all of these points before making your decision to continue with this playmate. Good Luck and Stay Sexy!
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