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Question: After our first sexual experience with others my wife is feeling badly about what we did.

Dear Lounge Advice, We have been happily married for 5 years, been a part of the lifestyle for a couple of years. We have been going to swingers dances and have always had a good time, but never went to the after bar "party room" or have we ever been with anybody sexualy. However, this time we rented a room and it ended up next door to the "party room". We found out at orientation. We didn't think much of it and continued to have fun. Then, to our amazement while in orientation a family friend and his wife walked into the room. We adout died! But, got over that in a hurry, they were just as amazed as we were. It was actually nice to see somebody there that we knew. It just reinforced why we were there. We didn't feel alone. Well, as the night went on we meet alot of great people/couples. We decided to get some beer and snacks and invited some people over to our room. When the dance ended, we went up to our room and waited for the people we had invited. While we were waiting, people were cruising the hallways and we got invited to the party room and could not beleive what we saw. My wife and I were totally amazed. We started having oral sex with the couple that invited us. I, the "husband" was having a great time and she looked like she was enjoying it also. Untill the room started filling up. Everybody was having SEX with everybody. We decided to go back to our room and invited the couple that we went there with. When we got back to the room there was two other couples there waiting for us. We sat and talked for a while, than decided to have sex. My wife and I started having oral sex with the couple that invited us to the party room and the other two couples were having sex with each other. (real husband real wife). Every mans dream, right? Well as the night went on I started having sex with the other two wifes and she did to.We were having alot of fun and joking around with everybody. I think we got pretty lucky to meet such nice people. After everybody got done having sex, we all said our goodbys and exchanged #'s and e-mail addresses. My wife and I were so turned on by this we had sex again before we went to sleep and twice in the morning. Now, I need some advice. I, the husband is totally ok with what we did. The wife is having a hard time with it. She is having a hard time faceing our family and friends and is feeling some guilt. I assured her that I love just the same and that we did nothing wrong. What should I do? D&A

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Well talk about diving right into the deep end... you guys went from no sexual activity with others to doing a great deal in one night.. and there is nothing wrong with that.. its just that some people (men and women) are more comfortable going slower than that.. and there is a lot that she is dealing with emotionally right now.

Seeing the family friends just exacerbates those emotions for her.

What you need to do right now is let her open up to you and speak to you about what she is feeling. Everything she is feeling right now is real for her.. so resist the urge to answer everything she says with things like, "Thats silly", or telling her she doesnt need to feel that way.

Its a hard pill for a lot of us to swallow because it goes against much of what we are taught to believe is "right".

You are right to show her a great deal of attention and remind her that this is something that you guys did for your own enjoyment.... AND... make sure she did enjoy herself as much as you think.

Perhaps you thought she was having a great time but she was not... and was afraid to say something to you.. or didnt know how to say stop! in the heat of the moment.

Bottom line is that you need to communicate with her to find out exactly what she is feeling and what her concerns are.. before you do anything else...

In saying that.... its really important to do this BEFORE you think about doing it again or even bringing it up.

Be patient and understanding about her feelings now... or else you risk her carrying around a lot of regret for a long time.

As far as seeing the family friends... she just needs to understand that they were there too... and probably feeling the same way.
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