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Question: We think our single male friend is telling people that we are having a relationship.. what should be do?

Dear Lounge Advice,

We've come across one doozy of a problem and don't know how to go about dealing with it! Here goes, we met a man a while ago, about a year, that has been a very good friend to both of us and not a playmate. Although he is in the lifestyle, we decided early on that we would stay 'vanilla' friends since the mutual attraction wasn't there. He's been in our home, gone to social events with us and spent a great deal of time getting to know us and we thought he understood our boundries. After a year of invested time and friendship we have found out from more than one person that he's been giving others the impression that we are sleeping together in a MFM situation, which is not, and never has been the case. I'm very angry and hurt, my husband is more level headed and says we should just tell him how we feel about this situation and try to work through it. I, however, will never be able to trust him again and would really like to 'cut our loses' for lack of a better term.

We don't want to hurt his feelings and don't want to make him angry, but we've been very hurt by this and don't know how to handle it in a fair manner. Any advise you could give would be great.

Thank you both.


Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

When you become close to a single person (or a couple) to the point where you hang out with them a lot and even have them accompany you to Lifestyle events like you have, it is very difficult not to have people make assumptions on their own.

The only real thing that we can point to here is that you said, "he's been giving others the impression that we are sleeping together".

That is very vague statment in which to judge an entire friendship. If you confront him as to whether he actually told people you are having a sexual relationship, chances are he would deny it left and right.

What we will ask you to ask yourselves is:
1)What do you expect people to think?
2) Why do you care so much?
3) You say you will never be able to trust him... trust him with what???

About the only thing we can suggest is that you do not confront him with the accusation that he supposedly said something to someone, but rather tell him that more than one person have insinuated that you 3 are involved in a MFM relationship and you would like for him to tell them directly that this in NOT true (since we assume that he knows the people as well)

How he reacts and behaves as a result of that request would be more telling than anything else.

People have a habit or making assumptions based on what they see and experience on their own. Throw the popularity of good old juicy gossip and you lay a roadmap for people to make their own judgements.

We are however at a loss as to why this is causing you the amount of pain and concern that you are expressing. People tell stories all the time. Our father used to tell us to believe 1/2 of what you read... and nothing of what you hear. We are sorry that it is causing you pain and dont wish to belittle your feelings.

If you do regard this person as a friend... then you should try to elicit his help in quelching this rumor.. prior to blaming him for starting it. We always give our friends that benefit of the doubt.
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