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Question: My partner is being very deceptive and controling, how can I make this work?

Dear Lounge Advice,

Four years ago I met my current partner who was divorcing after threesome gone south. His wife continued to meet with the man they had spent a week with in Texas. He was obviously ashamed of this as he didn't even tell of this, his sister did. I being a very sexual, have had many experience but not really with a full time partner "swinging" so to speak. I more fly by the seat of my pants and enjoy the experiences as they arise, not a planner and find no fun in that. A few years after this he approached me about swinging with a male. I was reluctant at first because of his past experiences and my feelings also. I have had some experiences but amoung friends not anyone I was in a relationship with. I felt it meant he saw me as an object and not loved me as a person. But willing to try, I researched much about swinging and found it could be fun with the right person. My understanding was you had to have trust,love, honesty and respect. No means no. He agreed to all these things but acted much differently. He did several things such as advertise me without my knowledge, set up meetings in another state and told me we were going away for alone time only to met some nasty old man. All of the men we met were old, unattractive, smokers etc. Then he became upset when I said no. When I did find attractive man he was furious. Also he has searched pictures on different sites and than accused me of them being me with other black men(his fantasy). Once we went to a club and wanted to go back with a group of people. This very attractive guy in the group gave me his room number but did not want my partner to join as when my partner asked the man lied about his room number. I politely said no and told my parnter I didn't want to go. My partner then was mad at me. I was just trying to protect his feelings but wanted to go but not without him. The next day he kept asking me if i was going to stop at this guys house on the way home as we drove separate due to our jobs. He would call and ask me during the day where I was who I was with what I had been doing and then say I was lying. Driving me crazy. I have tried to talk to him on several occasions. He told me everything was again fine. I wanted to be with a bi-sexual woman one on one while the partners watched. For the first time experience. He had already had a site set up and wrote several people without doing it together with whom I would also choose. he wrote as if he were me. I was pissed off. Again we had a discussion and he said he would respect me. Things went well for a while. He wanted nothing local and no face pics because of our jobs. The next thing he is doing is sending locally and face pics of me not him. He then told me he wanted to full swap. Hell we haven't hardly played period and to jump into full swap is too much especially with his insecurites. He also picks very attractive women with unattractive male partners. He gave me an ultimatum it had to be or go our separate ways. It's not that I don't want to full swap although I have some reservations, its just the way he is and going about it. He also sets up dates without asking me if they work and usually right before my period or on it. Also he can't go with the flow it has to be planned and I don't like planned sex. We have had alot of fun together and I love him very much. I just fed up. HELP!! How can I make this work?? Nikki



Dear (Anonymous),

We find it hard to think that he would even think of returning to the Lifestyle after the negative experience he had... but after reading what you wrote it seems that he is making sure that he can control who he gets to be involved... and he is making sure that they are not attractive in order to keep what happened in the past from happening again...

This is only our guess based on what you are telling us.

It would seem obvious that he was not over the whole thing and still has many issues (understandably) with what happened.

His reluctance to go with the flow and not plan looks like his way of remaining in control... if he goes with the flow he feels like he cannot control who you are with... etc...

His behavior however is really unexcusable. The core of the Lifestyle (and any relationship) is really trust and honesty. It sounds like he is lacking in those areas and we find it hard to believe that it is limited to Lifestyle issues.

What you may wish to do for him is something drastic like write down your rules on paper... and tell him that if he wants to be with you he MUST follow those rules.

As far as posting you ANYWHERE without your permission... that is just dishonest and should not be tolerated.

It would seem to us that the best way to make this work would be for you to work on your own relationship and try to make him feel more secure and build the trust between the two of you BEFORE you introduce others into your reationship. Doesnt seem like he is ready for Lifestyle activities yet... and you dont really seem to care one way or another...

This may be his attempt to force himself to get over the past issues... and if so... he is going to destroy your relationship on the way.

Put your food down and communicate with him... draw the line if you must.
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