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Question: We have had some soft swap experiences.. but I am begining to question why we are doing this.. can you help me?

Dear Lounge Advice,
My boyfriend introduced this lifestyle to me when we first met, and I didn't know so many people were swingers. I was curious and willing, but on the other hand, I couldn't understand why he wanted to bring other people into our relationship when we are enjoying each other. We've had couple soft swap experiences and we are looking forward to full swap experiences, but I am not sure if this is what I really want. I think I might be selfish or even insecure about this lifestyle. I guess I am afraid that he might enjoy another woman more than me, or I might lose him to another woman. I do enjoy sex, but not 24/7. I want to get on with experimenting so I will know if this is for me or not because I've invested almost two years into this relationship and if it is not for me, I have to go on my way. Am I just thinking too much? Also, if my boyfriend loves me and cares for me so much, why does he need other women in his life? We've decided to be with couples only, but I say women because he is not bi. I consider this cheating with consent. Please make me understand why if two people are so in love, one wants to swing? Is that part of having your cake and eating it?



Dear (Anonymous),

To answer your last questions, we can only answer for oursleves. Everyone participates in the Lifestyle for their own reasons. If you asked that to 50 couples, you may get 50 different answers.

For us, we do love each other very much, but at this stage in our relationship we are able to separate the physical enjoyment from the emotional ties.

If you can take something that is usually so inhibited (such as sex) and reduce it to the lowest common denominator (like children having fun and playing) then it becomes amazingly enjoyable, and we are able to fulfill fantasies that we have without any threats to our relationship.

Again, this is us, the reasons may differ for you and everyone else. You have to participate for your own reasons, not ours.

We truly believe that if you have to ask us those questions, then you are not ready to jump into this lifestyle yet. That is not a negative thing. It just seems as if you do not "get it" yet.

If you have had soft swap experiences and enjoyed that, then why go further?

If you are questioning it in your head, then we strongly suggest that you be sure, be secure, and want the experience for you- not for anyone else,including him.

It's not that you are not enough for him, we hope. This is supposed to be about your own sexual enjoyment with each other and enhancing it with others, not replacing anyone.

If you haven't grasped that yet, then you are really not ready to even do what you have been doing.

Overcommunicate. Rules need to be set in place and followed, and most importantly- NEVER do anything you don't want to do.

Luckily you have had positive experiences thus far. Before that comes to a crashing end, take a time out to really decide for yourselves if this is what you BOTH want to be doing. It's all about the two of you. No one else matters.

One last thing- based on the tone of your questions you seem to imply that if you are not going to be into the Lifestyle, then your relationship is going to be over. If the success of your relationship is contingent on Lifestyle play with others, that is a very thin basis to grow a longterm relationship.
Again, just in our opinion, there are many more important things that come way before introducing others into your relationship for sexual fun.
Good Luck !
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