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Question: How explicit do we have to be when we discuss our boundries with other couples?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband and I launched into the lifestyle about 6 months ago and have had about four erotic encounters with couples we met through the web. However, I'm beginning to think that defining and communicating our sexual preferences needs some fine tuning.

I've been describing myself as bi-curious. The trouble is I'm not sure what I mean by that! I definitely find certain types of women attractive, but not all. I tend to find many men unattractive (except for my husband). I'm discovering that women who say they are straight but "don't mind another woman's approach" are focusing on my husband, leaving their partner to focus on me, and I end up feeling left out and usually unattracted to this new man! We've also met couples of whom the lady is truly bi and engages in everything oral with me, but I'm not happy about doing the same to her! Which isn't really fair is it?

Just how explicit do we have to get? Do you have detailed conversations first about what you would like? If so, how should we formulate it?

Thanks for your help



Dear (Anonymous),

Your honesty is refreshing... but just finding women attractive does not mean that you are bisexual.. Then again... you seem to imply that if you meet a couple.. and you are not attracted to one or the other... you are still going to engage in having sex with them.... why?

Saying that you are bi-curious ...to us...means just that... that you are curious.. and not sure. If we are with a couple where the woman says she is just bi-curious (not that we would actually go with a woman who was unsure.. but lets all pretend) then we would not EXPECT that she would be willing to "engage in everything oral" to use your words.

Explanation: You can't expect someone who is Bi-curious to always eat pussy.. you can hope that they return the favor.. but should never expect it.

As far as your real question is concerned... yes you should be VERY explicit in discussing your boundries BEFORE you start playing. We know it is difficult to talk about sex so openly.. but after you bite the bullet and get used to talking about it... it becomes second nature. (Just by the way you have danced around certain words in your question, we can see that you are not that comfortable with talking about it)

How to formulate it? How about starting out with asking questions like these: "So what do you guys actually do when you play with other couples? Are you into girls? Do you full swap? Soft Swap? What exactly is your definition of that?

Then after you see how easy that is.. you can be even more specific and say to the girl for instance: "I am really insure with my bisexuality and I hope you are ok with that..." etc

The importance of all this clearing the air up front is not only for your benefit.. but the benefit of the other couple. You do not want to lead anyone on....

We have found that when meeting a new couple we try to ask those questions as early as possible. Who wants to spend an entire night with a couple only to find out hours later that you are not sexually compatible with them at all in the end.

Do yourselves and the other couple a favor... be big boys and girls and discuss the nasty stuff up front !!!
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