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Question: We meet couples we are not attracted to.. but want to remain friends...How do you tell them?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband and I have been in this lifestyle for almost 3 years. We are very selective in who we play with, but lately my husband has been wanting me to lower my standards in regards to other couples. He wants to start hanging out with certain couples and party more, even though I am not interested in them physically. Don't get me wrong, they are nice people and we get along well, but I am just not physically attracted to either one or both of the couple. and I know for a fact they are VERY interested in us physically.

My question is this... how do you let someone know without offending them, that you are only interested in being friends and nothing more??

I am just at odds at this question, because it almost makes me sound snooty just asking.. and I am not that way. I just beleive that in this lifestyle it is a chemistry thing and if it isn't there .. it isn't there!

Besides which, why should I lower my standards... I have an absolutely gorgeous husband..why should I settle for someone less than his standard?? Am I wrong for thinking that way???

Would I be considered a B#$% because I refuse to play with a couple where I don't find the man attractive??




Dear (Anonymous),

You are 100% right in how you feel. There is nothing worse than than the thought of being with someone sexually that you are not attracted to. Being selective is not a sin... and everyone has their own opinion as to what is attractive. You are entitled to yours.

We do not pass judgement on anyones feelings. We are very very very selective. We are sure thawt there are people that consider us snooty... and they are usually people that do not know us. We are friends with everyone, but the people who know us well, know that we are selective and respect our choices.

As far as how your husband is feeling... you need to make sure that he is fully understanding about your position and you need to ask him to respect your wishes and NOT to put any pressure on you at all.

Men like to think with their other heads sometimes and as the old saying goes... "women need a reason.. and men just need a place."

If anyone considers you a bitch because you won't play with someone you are not attracted to.... then who cares... those kids of judgements and the people who make them should not concern you.

We have so many great friends in the Lifestyle that we have never played with... and never will... if someone takes it personally... then they don't get it.

We would exchange a lifetime of friendship for a moment of sex any day.

You are entitled to feel how you feel and you guys make your own choices for yourselves. Anyone who does not respect that does not deserve to be your friends.

You don't sound confused to us... you just sound like to are concerning yourself too much with other peoples feelings... although it is noble... it is their issues... not yours.

Keep your head high and do not settle... you will be mad at yourself if you do !!!

Also.. about how to tell the couples you are not interested in playing.. the best way is to be direct. Tell them that you value your friendship and you want to remain friends and think that once you cross the line and play... you are afraid it would change things... and you just don't want to go there. Tell them you do not want to lead them on... and thats why you are being up front. If all they wanted is sex... and they were not interested in friendships .then they should let you know too.

One last thing.. you need to tell your hubby that you feel lately you feel like you are being pressured into lowering you standards. Make sure he understands fully... that way you can eliminate the situation from coming up in a more inappropriate time. Discuss it BEFORE it comes up... or it will.. and you will feel more pressure at the time
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