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Question: Not returning emails and... How do you deal with it when 1/2 of the couple is new and uncomfortable?

Dear Lounge Advice,

We've been in the lifestyle for many years, and have been online for just over the past year. We've meet several new couples through the internet, and things have been just super. Two questions for you.

1) The response rate to our e-mails is pretty low; this seems to be a common problem. We get a reply to maybe 1 of every 3 or 4 e-mails we send. We always reply to e-mails we get, often with just a polite decline. I've talked with other couples here, and they have pretty much the same experience. Why advertise a want ad if you're not going to reply? (we have our own theories on this, but would be interested in your perspective.) Also, you'll note the gentle reminder in our profile about this, she thinks this is too-strong and a bit preachy, I think it helps, and indeed, since we added that text, we've gotten slightly more responses to e-mails we send.

2) We're big fans of knowing other couples and ensuring everyone is concensual and happy with our circumstance before initiating intimate play. Usually, we establish this is pre-meetings, etc. before retiring to an intimate setting. However, in the few private parties we've been in, we've meet several other couples for the first time. Usually, couples end up pairing-off in these parties, and off to separate rooms. I've occasionally ended up with a completely new-woman in these situations (which will happen with only 3-5 couples present). In a few of these cases, I've gotten the vibe that the other woman is a bit nervous and perhaps has been pushed a bit beyond her comfort zone. As a result, I tend to stay passive and don't push the other woman, under the theory they should take a bit of the initiative in these circumstances, once I've politely (and only verbally) indicated my interest in them. In at least one case, I was later thanked for this as indeed the other woman felt quite nervous with someone new. We ended up just have a lovely conversation that evening, while our partners had a more intimate encounter. In another case, I did the same thing, and was later told by the woman's husband that she found me incredibly attractive, and wondered if I felt the same since I hadn't "made a move" on her! See the dillema? I still think staying passive as the new male in these circumstances is the right thing, and (as you say) communication is key. Is there a standard expectation? (Fortunately, there's a good ending to this story, as we've since become good friends with this later couple and we all enjoy our intimate encounters).

Thanks for the advice, we both enjoy your column and would love to meet you someday! J&V

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

We do not see any problem with what you put in your profiles... in fact... after reading what you wrote.. we expected to see something much harsher.. its seems really tame... leave it in!!!

In regards to your first question... we have NO idea why people do not have the common respect to at least reply to emails. We try to respond to every single email.. but if we have overlooked one or another.. it is only by accident.

You cannot teach adults how to be respectful of others.. maybe some of them are new and do not know what to say..

Most times we have found that people are not interested for one reason or another and they just do not know how to say it .. many times for fear of not wanting to hurt anyones feelings.

We know that is silly and it hurts more to get no response.. but we try to give people the benefit of the doubt and just figure they are afraid and do not know how to handle it.

This brings up a very good point that we want you to understand... and many others too: DON'T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY !!!

You dont know what is going on in peoples lives at that moment... everything goes in cycles... and what comes around.. goes around. Just move on and do not give it too too much thought. People do not cease to amaze us.

Regarding your situation at the parties... we try to find out about couple's experience in the Lifestyle almost right away.... if you find someone you are interested in and they are 1st timers.. what you may want to do is deal with that issue right then.... talk to them about how they feel about it right up front... BEFORE you get into a physical situation. At that point you two can decide if you even wish to move forward with them.

We only play together... so if we find that one person is uncomfortable we deal with them as a couple... but we are not sure one of us would even play with 1/2 of the couple if the other was that uncomfortable... no matter what they say.. we find it hard to believe that the other would be ok with just sitting there and watching or just being on the outside... its just a foreign concept to us.

We always say that there are many situations that other couples are ok with that we many not feel comfortable with... and we want everyone to live their own lifestyle.. not fit into any kind of molds... so this might be something you may wish to post in the forum section.. and get some other feedback.

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