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Question: When my wife drinks too much at lifestyle functions, she doesn follow our agreed upon rules.

Dear Lounge Advice,

We have been in the lifestyle about a year now and have had some GREAT experiences. When we started, we discussed every aspect and possibility, decided our limits, came up with code words and signals if either of us gets uncomfortable and for the most part they have worked well for us. The problem lies when she starts drinking. We were recently in a situation with a couple on the edge of losing their vanilla-ness. I could see the female was getting upset after about 30 minutes of my wife trying to get her to go further. I tried the codes and signals and even tried pulling my wife away saying we needed to leave. With the alcohol, she believed there was still a chance and refused to listen to our agreed terms. The husband and I sat and talked for another hour preserving our friendship and the wife finally said something that made my wife cry and decide to leave. All that said ... whew ... how can I get through to my wife when she is drunk? She made the other 3 of us uncomfortable. BTW .. we are all still close "vanilla" friends

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Well the good news is that you do not have a "lifestyle" problem.. you have an substance problem.

In answer to your direct quesiton... you cannot get through to her when she is drunk. It is absolutely an effort in futility to try to ask someone who is under the influence of a mind altering substance to be rational.

You cannot be rational with someone who does not have the capacity of being rational at the moment. It just doesnt work.

We have run into it time and time again where some people feel they need some type of substance to overcome the anxiety of participating in activities, which their inner ghosts are telling them is "wrong"... or where they have other fears and insecurities.

What you need to do is discuss these things when she is NOT under the influence of these substances so that she has a full understanding of how this is affecting you guys and your potential relationships.

We think you need to address the issues surrounding why she is getting to that point... and try to get her to agree to let you cut her off when she is drinking too much.

That is easier said than done.. but you must be supportive and understanding and mostly non-confrontational about it. Slamming her about what she is doing and what it is causing will not help anything.

Our guess is that she has issues that she needs your help in dealing with that brings her to that point of needing an altered altered state to participate.

Clear those issues and insecurities and perhaps she will come around.

We also think that if these are vanilla friends... they will understand that she is not being herself... and you dont have to say much. If they are close friends.. .they (especially the woman) may even be able to help you.

There is very few situations that over-communication cannot overcome... however.. when you cannot be rational with a person.. its unrealistic to have expectations that they will act and think rationally.. .when they dont have that capacity.... alcohol has the habit of robbing people of that ability... so dont bother trying.

We hope you are able to work this out and hope that we have been helpful somewhat.
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