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Question: I had a bad experience and my husband was not even paying attention.. now I feel horrible.. HELP !

Dear Lounge Advice,


Last night my husband and I had a great time with a couple we had meet for the first time. It was our third experience and it went bad. We full~swapped and He was very much into her and I was very much into him, however he was too drunk to be into me! During this long period time, I wanted to join in with my husband and his wife and everytime I went over to my husband she would say things to get me to move back over to her husband. I tried getting to my husband multiple times and was redirected back over to her husband, by her. It was not right I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to ruin my husband's moment.

I looked at my husband a couple times with a look that anybody could read(especially since I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I was trying to let him know that it was not right, her motive was not the same as ours.He did not respond and I got up and walked out of the room and said I was going to get fresh air and that was another sign we have that there is something wrong, he did not respond!!! I think I walked in and out of that room three times, before I finally walked over to him and reacted and pushed him, not hard but enough to get his attention.
Now I feel like he cheated on me because he was not receptive to my feeling and I hope I never see that girl again because it was not right what I felt she was doing to me, keeping me from my husband. I have to go off the way I felt. Maybe her motive was not was I thought it was, however it would still have been wrong.

They had been going through problems like every relationship does, but I did not see the love between the couple. It almost seemed like she was trying to get back at him for something and it felt like she was using my husband to do it.

We then left the house after a few words like one which was divorce. It was our third experience and if that is how women are then I want no part of it. I just know that any person in this world in any situation in our out of the lifestyle should be "uncomfortable" ever. Life is to short. I am the one who pushed my husband to join this lifestyle with me, and now I have so many emotions going on that I honestly do not know what to think or do. I don't know if I should pack and just leave him or get in touch with her and tell her what she wrong, but I can't just leave it alone. There is nothing worse than the feeling I have today. I wished we never changed our lifestyle. HELP, I am thinking so many diiferent things :-)
I think it is great that this site has and advice web page, because honestly I do not know where else to turn right now.
Thank you~
Z



Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

Forget about the other couple and this other woman.. they are insignificant... mistakes happen irregardless of who the other people are... but don't pack the suitcases just yet.

First thing you need to do is take a deep breath.. and count to 30,000 !!! You are in an emotional firestorm right now, and hopefully we can help to get things settled so that you can make some decisions rationally.

You are entitled to all the feelings you have right now.... and we may have felt the same way you do in this situation.... but it is also helpful to understand that feelings are feelings and sometimes they are not really representative of what the reality is.

For example... you may FEEL that he cheated on you.. but that is a little stretch based on the reality of what happened. If the other husband was able to perform... could your husband say that YOU cheated?

Its easy to play Monday morning Quarterback and say what your husband should and should not have done. Lets accept that he made some HUGE mistakes. What is more helpful to do is to regroup and communicate with each other about what happened in a way that is NOT threatening to you or him.

We mean talking about what happened and how it made you feel... and NOT yelling at him about what he should have done and accusing him of things.. or hammering him about how horrible you felt. Based on what you told us here.. he has gotten the message that you were pissed !!!

If you feel that he is willing to really hear you and understand how badly this hurt you... then the next thing to do is to decide how to insure that this NEVER happens again.

What you need to do is reenforce your ground rules... and tighten some things up. If you agree that you are only going to play as a couple... you have to agree that if one of you is NOT having a good time... that means for ANY REASON one of you decides they do not wish to continue.. that the other person agrees to STOP what they are doing that instant.. without discussion .. and without recourse.. end of story... GAME.. SET.. MATCH !!!

You should also agree on a non-verbal signal about this that leaves very little room for ambiquity... We have something we call "The Pinch"

If either of us are NOT having a good time.. we will reach over and give the other a big, hard pinch on the arm, leg, or any body part we can reach.. and that is the signal to STOP NOW!!

If there are any other things that are making you question your marriage, your relationship or your commitment to each other, we strongly suggest you seek some help from a professional counselor.

Let us leave you with one piece of good advise based on our own experiences. Even though right now you feel that this is the most destructive thing that could possibly happen to you... we have gone through something very similar... and in fact.. many people have too. The bottom line is that we survived.... and learned from the experience... You will too.. if you decide to try to work it out.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
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