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Question: How do you take part when 1/2 of the couple wants to share and the other 1/2 does not?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband told me of his past experiences (prior to us meeting) in the lifestyle. He attended on premise swing clubs with a girlfriend, and he enjoyed it very much.

When he told me about his experiences we were not married at that time. I was very curious and wanted to check things out so he took me to an on premise club, we had made an agreement that since it was my first time we would not engage in anything unless I was comfortable with the idea.

Well I loved the whole atmosphere, the life style appealed to me very much. We enjoyed each other that night, but did not go any further.

The problem is this, I am very interested in the life style, but after our first visit he has decided that he is not willing to share me. He states that I am too beautiful and therefore attract to many men. We spoke about this and I told him that if we decided to enjoy another couple that it would have to be a mutual decision. He will still attend Swing Clubs, but does not want to be involved with anyone else.

I do not understand how this was a life style choice that he introduced me to, and then decides it is not what he wants, when I really do.

How does a couple go about this, when one is interested and one is not.

Thank you for your help.



Dear (Anonymous),

First of all... you should be taking this as a HUGE compliment.

We are not sure how long you have been together, but it sounds to us like he has some insecurities that you need to be sensative to. It sounds like he is basically scared of you finding that someone else... or that someone else would be more sexually exciting. In any case.. we can guess forever.. but the truth is that he is excited at the lifestyle.. but has not reached that comfort level yet with the idea of sharing you.

We can only relate to our own experiences when we began in the lifestyle. We went to lifestyle clubs for several months before we ever "did anything" with anyone else.

We just got a charge with watching what was going on around us and being part of the sexual energy. When we got home.. we were like rabbits...

Over time we got much more comfortable with the idea and felt less threatened.. and slowly we changes our ground rules for each other.

If this is something that excites you.. and you like the idea or the concept.. then you need to be sensative to his concerns and NOT push him at all...

Help him feel more secure in your relationship and this this is not something that you MUST do... that can lead some men to think that you are not satisfied with them...

We know that can sound silly... but.. its reality for many men.

Try going slow and overcommunicating how you feel about him and your relationship.. and just go with the flow until he reaches that comfort level. If you push it... he will totally withdraw from the idea.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out !
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