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Question: How to deal with my reluctance and regret from allowing my wife to swing alone with another couple?

Dear Lounge Advice,

We've been in the Lifestyle for 5+ years (married 20). We met a couple (in the Lifesyle) a little over a year ago that we have become very good friends with. We have gotten together a least once a month for over a year (not always for sex). Anyway, we cherish their friendship and have enjoyed being with them sexually as well. Last month I was out of town on business and I suggested that they should all get together for some fun even though I was away (FMF). I told them to video it for me and it would be "hot" for everyone. Everyone was a little reluctant at first, but I assured them that it was "cool" with me and that the video would be hot to watch after the fact. Well when the day came for them to get together I felt really uneasy. I wanted to tell them that I wasn't feeling comfortable with the idea. But, they were all so excited and I didn't want to be the spoiler. Anyway, they had the rendezvous and I've been having a hard time with it ever since. It's all right there on the tape. What happened ended up being "monumental" for everyone (except me). There were more orgasams, more configurations, more fucking, etc, etc than there had ever been with the four of us. She aknowledged it was probably the most/best sex she had ever experienced. Wow, is that messing with me. After I got home they wanted to get together again the very next weekend. I think they wanted to "make it up to me". So we got together for "fun" and even though the sex was good, something was really weird. I believe "things" have changed with regard to their relationship with "her" and with me. I need some perspective with regard to "water under the bridge" and if you think it's possible to have a relationship with this couple (couple to couple only) - like it was before she played with them alone?

20/20 Hindsight!

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

First for the benefit of others who will be reading this column... this is the reason that we try to adhere to a few big rules that we have:

1) We only play together… the lifestyle is something that we participate in as a couple and never separate... We are never even arms lengths away from each other. It is our feeling that you open yourselves up to potential problems.

2) We try not to get too close to any one particular couple. I know this works ok for some couples... But for us... we feel that if you are with another couple for an extended period of time... Eventually strong emotional feelings come into play… and again there is a potential for problems... If something is potentially problematic.... why even get involved in it?

Like the old saying goes, “If you play with fire enough... eventually you are going to get burned."

3)One of the pillars that support your ability to function in the lifestyle is good, clear communication. If you were having second thoughts about what you suggested that they do.. you should have immediately stopped them... If either of us have any doubts whatsoever about anything.. it is not worth us risking it... and for you to be concerned about disappointing them is worrying about the wrong people...

As we have stated over and over… you are the only two people that matter.

As far as your personal situation here, the only thing we don’t know is... How much of your feelings have you discussed with your wife...and what has her reaction to those feelings been? If you have not discussed it yet... remember that you cannot blame her for not being a mind reader.

If this was us and one of us had concerns like you do... we would simply take a break from that couple as far as sex is concerned. Trust us that your anxiety level will continue to multiply if you continue...

Let it be a lesson for you... and just a fun experience for her.

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