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Question: I don't want to swing but he keeps begging me to do it.

Dear Lounge Advice,

My husband and I have been active (sporadically) over the past 2 years. We started because he was very interested in "seeing his wife give and get pleasure". The unfortunate part is that I don't want to have sex with anyone but my husband.

At first I told him he could fantasize all he wanted, verbalizing during our sex, but told him NOT to ask me to do it for real. He literally begged for me to do it. So finally I said "fine. We'll do it occassionally as a special treat to you but this will NOT be a lifelong lifestyle. A couple of years at the most."

So we started with light activity such as soft-swap but he doesn't do anything with others. He likes to watch and for me to be the center of attention.

One of my husband's favorite fantasies was to see me have intercourse with a black man. So one night at a local LL club, I blatantly told an attractive young black man & his wife that my husband wanted to see me fuck a black man. Would he mind volunteering? He volunteered, I dropped my clothes, took him doggie (so as to be less personal) and cried all the way home. My husband said he was sorry that I didn't enjoy it but it really turned him on.

Then my husband had some very specific scenarios that he wanted to see. Again after much begging, I'd give in to give him what he wanted.

Well the "couple of years are up". I can't do it anymore. I've told him so. I didn't just switch this off like a light switch. I've told him continuously over the past two years that I didn't want to "live the fantasy."

In his defense, I must tell you that he has a very high stress job and does not drink or do drugs. He says that sex is his only release.

He says that he loves and respects me more than anything/anyone in this world. However for me it feels like he doesn't respect me enough to respect my wishes to NOT participate in the lifestyle. I asked him about that (verbatim) and his response was "it's my only release"

We have sex at least twice daily. It's always great. He begs me to talk about the fantasies or relive our experiences during our sex but then turns it around to asking for more LL activity even though he knows I'll say no.

He seems really depressed when I say "no" to the LL. I love him with all my heart. Do you have advice?

Thank you.

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

We would advise to you to STOP participating in the lifestyle in ANY way immediately!

You should never being doing anything with anybody(lifestyle or non lifestyle) if it is not of your own free will and pleasure.
To do otherwise is nothing short of submitting yourself to rape at your husbands wish/fantasy!

This is totally unfair to yourself and to the other people you are engaging with.

It does not sound healthy and loving in any way what so ever.

Listen carefully to what you are saying.
He works a high stress job. He does not smoke or do drugs. It's his "only release".
If he asked you to jump off a cliff...would you do that for him as "a release"?

The answers to your question are there in front of you and you know what is right and wrong!

Tell your husband exactly how you feel about everything and DO NOT let him force or persuade you to do this again until you know this is something that you are agreeable to.

We would suggest that you two seek counseling with a family therapist or sex therapist...maybe both.
If he refuses to go with you....then go with out him.
It sounds like you need some support and guidance.

If you love yourself and each other...you really need to do this right away and not put it off.
If you continue along this path your relationship will most likely end in anger and a divorce.

Sincerely,



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