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Question: We need Help!

Dear Lounge Advice,

We need HELP! As I write this I'm (the husband) filled with sadness, anger and frustration.

Recently we meet with a couple we've played with before, in a light way, heavy petting mostly. My wife seemed to do everything, from badgering myself and my playmate wife with questions to literally talking about dinner while the other spouse and I were trying to concentrate. The questions and badgering seemed to increase as my "fun" increased.

I asked afterwards why my wife seemed to go out of her way to interrupt the mood. After a couple of hours of argument she finally said that I seemed to be "too much into" the wife, and that she felt "insecure" about this.

You're probably thinking the simple solution is to "tell her I love more than anything and everything will be alright." It's not that simple.

I have noticed a pattern. When I express interest in the female half of a couple, all of a sudden, that couple is "ugly," "stuck-up," "out of our league," etc., in the eyes of my wife. When SHE sees the guy half of a couple, all of sudden, a freight train can't pull her away. I have been put in many situations of "taking one for the team."

In fact, I have tried to get out of situations, but she ignores the signs we've agreed upon, and I end up watching my wife have sex with another man, while I sit, sometimes humiliated, in front of others.

I guess I could say "No," but (a) I'm open minded, and I don't mind experimenting most of the time and (b) I love my wife totally, and I want her to experience the joys the lifestyle can bring.

I just wish I could be with people I really want to be with, but in the one or two cases that actually happens my wife does EVERYTHING to ruin the mood. We talk. We argue. Nothing changes.

It's gotten to the point where our marriage has gotten rocky, because her behavior in the lifestyle is only an extension of the bad feelings and hurt she has caused in the rest of our lives due to her simply not caring when she wants something. We've been to counseling, but that doesn't seem to work. We wish there were lifestyle-friendly counselors!

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

It is difficult to answer this fairly, with out hearing your partners side of this situation.

Based on what you are describing, it sounds as though your partner may have some serious jealousy issues combined with some low self esteem problems, and she is taking out on you.

Neither of you should be "taking" one for the team as this will just make matters worse for both of you.

Our best advice for you two right now is to take a serious "break" from the lifestyle until you two are comfortable with each other, playing by the same rules and have solved your communication problems.

If you choose to stay in it..then maybe it would be best if no one plays unless you "both" are in agreement with the other couple, period!

It sounds as though you two are also having problems with your relationship outside of the lifestyle as well.
If you went to one counselor and had no luck..try different counselors until you find one that you can both relate with and get results through.

One thing is for sure- you both have to "want" to work this situation out in order to actually get any positive results from each other.

As a wise counselor we know once said...you can sit down and talk about your relationship problems night after night with your partner and nothing ever gets accomplished.
You need to stop "talking" about the problems day after day and start "living" like you two love each other!

If you two know that you still love each other with all your hearts....start "living" and treating each other like you are happily married and absolutely satisfied with everything your partner does for you.
If you treat your partner exactly as you would love to be treated they usually reciprocate this behavior back to you.

The lifestyle will always be around for you to come back to. Take some time off to work on your relationship with your wife.




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