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Question: Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

Dear Lounge Advice,

I have a concern about the "Level" of relationship my wife is having with the male half of a couple. We met this couple and have known them for only 2 months. We have had 3 date. The second and third was intimate at their place where we swapped spouses. (The ladies are bi) The last time together was 6 weeks ago. I like both of them and feel they are respectful. My wife and I have played with others a number of times over our 8 year experience in the lifestyle so this is NOT new to us. One condition that my wife and I set is that we do this as a couple and do not play alone. We share this experience together (This couple knows of this rule) Here is my concern.....The relationship between my wife and him are getting too intimate for my comfort level. They call each other on their cells phones during the daytime hours approx. 3-4 times a week. (One weeked call lasted over 4 hours) They chat on the computer at night to each other almost every night for 3-5 hours at a time and that chat turns very sexual and discriptive. It strays to what she says is only fantasy talk. (Talk of meeting each other in a car during a rain storm, meeting him at his front door wearing only a long coat with nothing underneath, Him coming to her office when she is there alone to fuck her on her desk, etc.) Recently my wife asked if it was ok if they met for lunch. I said, "JUST for lunch, sure, that is fine." (To remind her that we play together) Their lunch date ended up at his home and they moved into the bedroom where he was in only boxers.(she stated that her clothes stayed on) I was told that they just kissed and he nibbled on an exposed boob. This "Lunch Date" lasted 2 1/2 hours. I was very upset with both of them as they knew of the rule she and I set about only playing together. My wife is saying that I am making more of this than I need to. That she didn't know they were going to wind up at his house and that I should not be concerned at the level of times that they are in contact via the phone, chat, etc. She said that they are simply getting to know each other and that their time free's her of all the negitive things going on in everyday life. I really do like these people and want this to work out. I know that my wife loves me with all her heart and that I should not feel threatened. I am not a jealous guy but have stated that the two of them are letting things get out of hand. I try to make communication with the other wife but it is limited to an occasional phone call on my part, as to which within 2-3 minutes she has to end the conversation. When I attempt to get playful with her, she always changes the subject yet I'm told by him that she is very flirtatious and playful. His and my communication is so very limited also. The husband says his wife really likes me and wants to be friends with us both.

To summarize, I am not having fun. I have little or no relationship with this lady, while my wife and the other guy are running 100 miles per hour. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? I have asked my wife to slow things down and she says why can't she have fun? It is not her fault that the other wife doesn't have time for me.

Appreciate any advice or comments.

Willing but Frustrated



Dear (Anonymous),

It sounds like you have legitimate reasons not to be happy with the situation.

As a general "un written" rule...usually when one half of either couple is not comfortable with a situation or relationship involving " play partners" .....then a break needs to be taken in the lifestyle or with that particular "play" partner/couple until these issues can be resolved.

It sounds like your wife and the male half of the other couple are perhaps getting too involved with each other for their own good....and your relationships health.
There is nothing wrong with being great friends....but usually that develops comfortably between all involved over a longer periods of time.

We would suggest that you and your wife take a short break from the lifestyle until you are both very comfortable and clear on your preferences and limits when "playing" with other individuals and couples in the lifestyle.


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