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                 Lifestyle Lounge members are sexy,
classy and open minded...

   
...Are you???
  
    
  EVILDOERS
  
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Free two for one Subway coupons if you fuck us. 
Member Since:   7/23/2002
City:   SALT LAKE CITY
State:   UT
Zipcode:   84111
Gender/Status:   Couple
  
    Her Statistics         His Statistics    
Preference:   I'm Bi-Comfortable I'm Straight
Age:   47 50
Height:   5' 2" 5' 10"
Weight:   116 lbs - 125 lbs 151 lbs - 175 lbs
Eye Color:   Green Blue
Hair Color:   Blonde Brown

 
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adult material.

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  Describe your appearance and personality: 
  Due to our recent success at the Sochi Olympics we've decided to give up our wildly rewarding careers at Carl's Jr. and Home Depot and join the professional cat curling circuit. As newly crowned bronze medalists (totally would have won gold but we suspect the Russians and Slovenians of not completely anesthetizing their cats) we feel it's time to cash in on our athletic talents and maybe even join the Ice Capades (Disney On Ice totally rejected our ideas for an edgy routine based on The Aristocats Meet Lilo and Stitch in a Battle Royale stating they thought it would upset young children). Pul-eeze!

We interrupt this profile for this important message. (Cue Sarah McClachlan's "Angel".) Just wanted to announce that we will be hosting a Tele-THONG this fall to fund critical research into Heel in Thong Syndrome. Some poor uncoordinated slut somewhere is counting on you to help cure her HTS. Please give generously!

Please consider no response to your email inquiries as a polite "Thank you but no thank you." or "We are holed up in the improvised bunker dug in our back yard, hiding from (take your pick): a) The government b) rabid zombie wildebeests or c) overzealous insurance salesmen and/or missionaries, and we don't have a strong internet connection down here."

He's a stunning lipstick lesbian trapped in a man's body. Why oh why, cruel fate, must you torment him so? She's a cute swishy little gayboy (go ahead, I dare you to ask her to belt out some showtunes) trapped in a girl's body who doesn't mind vacuuming carpet on occasion. But not shag carpet!!!! ;-)

We have most of our original body parts (teeth, hair, spleens, etc.) and look pretty damned good for a couple who can vividly remember the advent of the bronze age (we sleep in a giant tupperware container..."Hun. Your turn to burp us in tonight. M'kay?").

We've been told we look much younger than we are by really old, fat, ugly swingers and used car salesmen.

We are both Nobel Laureate rocket scientists who love to volunteer our spare time to worthy causes such as "Feed the Whales" (a multinational effort to ensure adequate donut and candy intake among obese beach goers) and the "Bling Bling and Blowjobs" charity... striving to make the stark lives of professional athletes more bearable by making sure they get MORE than their fair share of unnecessary gaudy jewelry and gratuitous oral sex from hot groupies.

Our personalities would make your average catatonic coma patient green with envy and we expect those we meet to be just as fun loving and humorous. Please ignore the multiple growths sprouting up on our epidermis. We support our lavish lifestyle by participating in underfunded and underregulated under-the-table experimental drug tests and the doctor in charge says that the strange growths may even subside slightly after we stop using the ointment that they are currently testing. BTW, be sure to ask us to see the one that looks JUST like Elvis sittin' on the john on that fateful day!

As far as our looks...well what can we say? People who look at us aren't AMAZED that we have never even seen the inside of a gym. And believe it or not we don't tan at all....that healthy glow you see is 100% attributable to advanced cirrhosis and a strict diet of pork rinds and free government cheese.

So, if you enjoy playing Jai-Alai while sipping fortified wine and noshing on extra spicy pork rinds drop us a line and let's see if we can make a LOVE CONNECTION!

(Any rumors about us wantonly fisting sock puppets are grossly exaggerated...)


.
     
  Describe what you are looking for: 
  Wees a lookin fer sum peepul ta fuk and if ya got big ole titties and weeners jest giv us a call....well not a call cuz our fone an lectricity got shut off so jest holler reely loud an weel cum a runnin!

Basically people similar to ourselves who don't take life (or SWINGING for that matter) too seriously.We definitely aren't high maintenance (a quick coat of paint every spring and we're good to go) and don't have a lot of hang-ups (except an intense fear of circus ponies and annuity bonds) or issues (or was that tissues? hmmmm) so we'd like to meet people who are of a similar mindset (or psychosis...take your pick).

Physical attraction isn't the MOST important thing but lets be honest, if there isn't at least a little bit of attraction then what the hell is the point? :-) Having said that, a sense of humor (if you think Marmaduke is just about the funniest cartoon you've ever read we'll get along just fine) and brains (minimum 130 IQ please) are VERY sexy!

We're looking for the elusive "friends with benefits" (a generous 401k and flex spending plan would be nice) and prefer to take things a little bit slower at first until we're sure everyone is comfortable (or at least really drunk) and on the same page then...watch out!

We enjoy the seduction as much as the act and relish the cerebral aspects of sex and intimacy. Life is way too short for drama. We're looking for fun sexy times not angst. Please, no hooligans, ruffians or Hottentots (cheeky devils!). Oh, and DEFINITELY NO FUCKTARDS, TWATWAFFLES OR DOUCHE CANOES!!!!

We're not Barbie and Ken but we ARE Skipper and Todd...and occasionally Malibu Stacey...we'll let you guess which one of us is her. But what we're REALLY looking for is Chuckie and My Little Pony...or perhaps a couple of Cabbage Patch Kids.....

PS- We're also willing to entertain offers of adoption from wealthy elderly terminally ill real estate moguls.

PS again- If you've managed to wade completely through this diatribe without at least cracking a smile just move on to the next profile. We've heard FATFUCKSLUTSUTAH are a hoot AND they put out on the first date!

All kidding aside (yeah right, Evil, you sarcastic son of a bitch!)... with us, pretty much what you see is what you get. We get along well with almost everyone and you pretty much have you piss us off (or piss on us) REPEATEDLY to get us really mad at you-lol. Ms. Evil is a TOTAL sweetheart and truly has a heart of gold and is a natural born peacemaker. If you somehow manage to get on her bad side chances are you are probably a fairly rotten individual to begin with and/or you have taken advantage of her good nature just one too many times.

If your life revolves around drama or the angst you enjoy causing other people to further your own agenda please don't bother contacting us. We like to hang out with fun, happy, positive people who enjoy life NOT negativity. We're NOT just looking to get laid! Friendship and connection is the MOST important thing to us. We're looking for great friends...for fun, cool peeps to hang out with and if sex happens too then that's just the frosting on the Poptart for us. :-)

One more thing. We're kind of averse to cigarette smoke. If you can pretty much erase all traces of it when you're around us we have no problem with it but we have a pretty low tolerance to the smell so please don't take it personally. However, if you look EXACTLY like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie we WILL tolerate the stench of your cigarettes...yes we're amazingly shallow that way. ;-)

*WARNING: Any institutions or individuals using this site or any of its associated sites for studies or projects - You DO NOT have permission to use any of our profile or pictures in any form or forum both current and future. If you have or do, it will be considered a violation of our privacy and will be subject to severe legal ramifications. Also, we WILL hunt your punk ass down and shove a red hot poker up your urethra whilst cackling menacingly and then proceed to taunt you mercilessly by making derogatory remarks about your lineage, physical attributes (or lack thereof) and very close resemblance to a severely deformed Bonobo monkey with diarrhea.

ATTENTION SINGLE MALES! While I can't blame you for lusting after Ms. Evil a little bit you should be aware of the fact that she only RARELY partakes in the forbidden fruit of single dude-dom. Doesn't mean she doesn't have free rein to do so, just that she only does it when she damn well feels like it...soooo although I DO let her know when we get an email from a swingle don't expect her to write you back anytime soon, if ever! And I certainly don't think it's my responsibility so I sure the hell am not going to write you back either! LOL My job is done after telling her about her "messages". Single guys (and threesomes with dudes) aren't my thing and only occasionally are hers. Sorry if that offends or disappoints anyone but it is what it is. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

We interrupt this profile AGAIN (Jesus, where's my damned DVR remote?) for an important announcement. Mr. Evil has recently decided to quit his job and become a full time super hero. He'll be almost exactly like that super squeaky clean Captain America guy who doesn't swear or drink anything stronger than Diet Coke and root beer and also sorta like that other super hero, you know, the really stretchy one. His super powers will be bullet proof acerbic wit and boundless sarcasm. He will crack tasteless jokes until you either smile/laugh/chortle or try to murder him with your bare hands. Look, up in the sky! It's Super Squeaky Clean Sarcasm Man!

Update: Ok, so the first bad guy I came across didn't even crack a smile so I called him a douche canoe fucktarded twatwaffle. Gonna have to change my name and get rid of the Squeaky Clean part I guess...:-(
     
  These are some web sites I enjoy: 
  thechive.com
  www.funnyordie.com
  theoatmeal.com