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   If your spouse tells you they intend to flirt at a non-lifestyle event  

LOS GATOS, CA
12/19/2016 14:40
Posted By:  - LOS GATOS, CA  
 
Date Posted: 12/19/2016 14:40
   So we need help with an issue. We are asking from a general feel of what people think.  Please no attacking or saying anything vile or disgusting.  



So a couple we know has an issue that needs enlightenment.  Mind you, they are a new couple and are in an open relationship that the female has ground rules that both have agreed to.  

They are:

  • Couples play only, however, singles play can be had just at lifestyle events or parties only which can be one-one but no one-one outside the lifestyle.  

  • Lifestyle play can happen without the other half present.  If it does either before or after notification is required.  

  • No holding hands and cuddling with anyone as that is reserved for each other.  




That said, The female half is attending a Reggae Festival in the summer and the male half ask the question about a month out, "Are you considering play"?  The response from the female half was "No not really, for one she has never been and there are going to be families present." Also, she didn't seem to see in the few pics she could see, a lot of guys that she likes or prefers.  Now he accepts this as her "no" but believes it as a maybe or a possibility.  He asked the question a third time a few weeks later after she had done a little more research into the VIP passes she bought and got a glimpse of the previous years photos more in-depthly.  He basically asked because he wanted to see if the perspective had changed so to speak.  However, this time she was a little peeved and said, exact words, "I am not sure. It's not like its a lifestyle event.  Its 4 days and 3 nights, dark and dusty and I don't really know BUT I AM GOING TO FLIRT". That's how she ended it.  He let it go for a couple of days and then asked So you say no but your going to flirt.  She said yes it doesn't mean anything.  Now he interprets flirting to mean anything is possible from good convo with someone you like to leading to kissing and the ultimate prize. He was hoping she would elaborate.  About a day before she left he tried to get her to clarify or at least include him or even ask him that if it were possible if he'd be ok.  She gave no clue so he just asked to take protection.



The question is was he wrong and did he express a lack of belief in her by not taking it as a hard no?



The story ends with her enjoying herself and the pleasures of another man and the boyfriend was highly peeved not at the sex but that she was open to allowing him in to at least say it was ok besides they were living by her ground rules and he felt obligated to say take condoms because thats who he is.  She took it as a lack of belief.  Ultimately, she tells him after he has moved on and after he dealt with the issue that the real reason, "I was sitting there flirting and I said to myself, If I go back and tell him that I flirted and did nothing he will not believe me so I might as well go for it and I did it because he won't believe me when I say no.  Now the Mrs. thinks that she has a right to feel not believed.  I think she should have at least talked to him and said it was possible mainly because its all about being open with your feeling and desires as a couple especially because he knows she loves men and BBC.



I feel strongly that her reasons stripped the relationship component away the moment she made the thought a reality and may have inadvertently lied when she told him no or I don't know.  That the act went from something they could share to a selfish act that could be seen as cheating.  I think the statement alone she could have kept to herself and it was done out of spite.  The Mrs and I disagree greatly on this.  



We especially want the women to way in as the female half contends the male doesn't believe her and I thinks its she doesn't believe him.  He says he trust and believes her with his life and he swears by it to her but she still isn't budging.  I think she erred and should have allowed him the chance to say he was okay with things progressing but she made her mind up and robbed him of that chance.  

  • Does anyone agree Flirt adds a new dynamic to his original question?

  • Should he have asked for clarity?

  • Did she basically set him up to fail?

  • Did he push so hard that she did it anyway?

  • Was she justified in doing it for the reason she ultimately revealed?

  • Would you women be hurt if you knew the ultimate reason?

  • Would you men be hurt if you knew the ultimate reason?

  • Is cheating at that point even though he said take protection?

  • If not is is ok to say it feels like cheating?

  • Should she apologize regarding the ultimate reason?

  • Do you think he has an issue with believing her Yes or No?


   





 



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