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Forum Category: Jokes, Cartoons and Other Fun Stuff
  
  Topic
 Originator Date Posted 
   A very funny short story my mother emailed me a while back   

SAN FRANCISCO, CA
2/7/2012 11:49
Posted By:  - SAN FRANCISCO, CA  
 
Date Posted: 2/7/2012 11:49
   Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain
anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this.)

    I
had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up
on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step
in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they
congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me
when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at
the bags of feed while I am in the
back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope
one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then
hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder
then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the
roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a
likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my
rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope
around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

   
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was
mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards
it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope ..., and
then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that,
while a deer may
just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are
spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That
deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a
deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that
weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A
deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled.
There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it
jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it
occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an
idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not
have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10
minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my
feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to
realize this, since I was mostly
blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that
point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get
that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I
just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely
die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all
between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would
venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my
head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the
deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it
dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to
recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount
of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer
to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in
between my truck and the feeder - a
little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got
it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope
back.

    Did you know that deer bite?

    They do! I
never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite
somebody, so I was very surprised when ...... I reached up there to grab
that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites
you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and
slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost
like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper
thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back
slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was
ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking
for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being
smarter
than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked
it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I
reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

   
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on
their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and
their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that,
when an animal—like a horse—strikes at you with their hooves and you
can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise
and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause
them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a
horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In
the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed
like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been
told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that
there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice
as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it
hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

   
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not
immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has
passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on
you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering
your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the
deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they
bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

    All these events are
true so help me God... An Educated Farmer



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