A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all his beer had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"
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 Got this text from my brother recently. It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. ....
 It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!"
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 I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day.
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 My wife just came in and said,
 "I don't know if I am coming or going.
 "I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're
 going - 'cus when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"
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 I saw a fortune teller the other day.
 She told me I would come into some money.
 Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
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 The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?" .... Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer .

We can be such assholes