My Mr. and I started in the lifestyle because it was a way to stay honest with each other about our pervy fantasies. How we play has changed over the the years but we love the openness it brings to our relationship (forcing ourselves to be honest even when it hurts has gotten us through challenges) and how it has deepened our trust over the years.
It irks me to no end when I meet people who are using the lifestyle to cheat. Part personal preference, because I find the openness of a trusting happy relationship very sexy, it turns me on! A cheating spouse also brings drama to the scene that no one wants and my rule is to keep my distance from them as play partners.
Now I'm in a pickle. There's a woman I know (total vanilla) who has been dating the same guy exclusively for years. I learned that her long term bf is a SM using the lifestyle to cheat.
I don't know what to do. Normally I would keep my distance from him and let it play itself out but knowing her, I want to say something to her. I've considered I may only want to tell her to make myself feel better and erase the guilt I get when I see her for knowing this when she does not, but really I don't want to see her hurt by his cheating in the long run and think she's better off to find out now than later.
Should the fact that it's happening in the lifestyle change my decision? I've played out different scenarios in my head.
Were this a vanilla couple (and the gf is my friend) and he was cheating with another vanilla woman, I would say something to the gf.
Were this a swinger couple and he was cheating with another swinger woman or couple I would keep my distance and not play with him/them. If the gf/wife were a friend I might say something, but given the differences in every couple's play preferences I might not address it head on, and check in with her about how she/they were doing.
In both cases it's my relationship with the woman that would decide what I do, not the context of the cheating.
My Mr. thinks I should say something the the SM, to give him a clue that cheating is not cool here and that his gf has a good chance of finding out. He thinks I should giving this guy a chance to do the right thing.
I want to tell her. She deserves to know the truth about her partner and his extracurriculars. She's a lovely girl and I don't want to see her hurt by finding out some other way. I know she might be angry or not believe me. I know that would mean outing myself to her but I'm okay with that (she's very openminded so not worried abut her response).
Anyways, I haven't decided what to do and would really like feedback from others. Anyone found yourself in a similar situation?
How do you handle cheating in the lifestyle and what would you do?