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Question: Long distance LS relationship

Dear Lounge Advice,

Me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 2 1/2 years. We have been in the lifestyle about half of that.. We see eachother about once a month if we are luck. Which we usually are. When we started the lifestyle he was wanting me to go out on my own without him and take photos and etc.. for him so he could see me just being with another. I didnt want to cause i felt as i would be cheating if he were not present. But i did it anyway several times. I expressed to him that i felt as though i was cheating and it wasnt right but encouraged me to over several months.
I know it is no excuse but i went out on my own without him knowing over the past 7 months. Until i told him oneday out of anger because he said something and i told him about every1. He liiked it in a way but he was hurt in a way as well.
I felt our relationship was ruined the minute he wanted me to sleep with other men with him not being with me. i just did not feel right. So when i did go out and cheat it didnt really have much of a impact. I was just tired of having to deal with the whole pics, and etc...But not all the times that he knew about i took pics he was happpy with stories.. I dont know if him being absent had anything to do with me cheating... I have never cheated in the past. but have now.

Also he says now he can and will go out and have sex with whomever because i beytside and betrayed us when i went outside and didnt tell him. He says i have to deal with it or move on. He has known since jan of what happen and has not went outside so he says. but he doesnt go anywhere either..
Is this something i should deal with because i dished to him? Is it right for him to go outside and i know about it cause he says he will tell me so i can worry about if and what.... i dont know if it is right i just want it to me ME and HIM and noone else ANYMORE. But he still says he is going to go outside. i dontknow whats right please help

Oh also i can still go outside of the relationship if i want as long as he knows and etc..... i dont think its a good idea



Dear (Anonymous),

This is a very poisoned relationship. I'm sorry to say this, but it's not indicative of a healthy relationship.
I could go into a narrative as to the reasons that your relationship is flawed, but I feel it would be pointless.
Here's the bottom line:
You both need to set some boundaries, at the very least.
If you are to continue to be ambiguous about what is and what isn't allowed, you need to back out of the 'open relationship' mode.
What do you two really want? DO you foresee yourselves in a truly long term relationship? If so, it will be difficult long distance. If so, the permissible 'cheating' needs to stop until you can both define some boundaries.
Regardless, this is making you uncomfortable. This being the case, you need to firmly relay this to him. It almost sounds as if he is allowing you to do this so he can have his cake and eat it too.
If you really want this relationship to work, you need to make a firm decision, which can be extremely difficult.
Either you both set down firm boundaries and adhere to them, or cut this relationship off completely.
Not easy, I know. But, necessary, for your own mental health.
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