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Question: How should we get started in the lifestyle, by playing together, or alone?

Dear Lounge Advice,

My wife and i have been slowly getting into the lifestyle for about a year and we both enjoy going out and flirting and meeting fun people. It has taken my wife longer than me to become accustomed to thinking about the idea of beig with other people. She has never been with anyone else other than me ( 23 years). One of the reasons I suggested this lifestyle originally is the fact that the idea of watching her is a big fantasy of mine. She is too the point where she is more open to try something, although she still doesn't know if she can.We have always talked about doing "anything" as a couple, and being together. As we get closer, she is thinking that she doesn't know if she would feel comfortable seeing me with someone else or me watching her and has suggested that we should be in seperate rooms. Needless to say, I am torn by this idea. On one hand, my main fantasy is to do this together and to be able to see her explore but on the other hand, if it means getting her more comfy with the idea, why not, the watching can always come down the line. I think once she explores and feels the fun of someone new, she will be much more open in the future. Should i let her explore on her own ( of course with knowing that she is safe with this person) and see what happens down the road, or should we wait, until we are both comfy with playing with each other present? How do most people do it..especially the first time?

Sincerely,

(Anonymous)

  
Dear (Anonymous),

This is so hard for us to answer as the concept of playing separately is so foreign to us.

For us the Lifestyle is something that we enjoy together as a couple. Now we know that some people are fine with that... and more power to them.... we just think that there is such a fine line you are dancing on when you do something that TOTALLY excludes the other.

As newbies we can't imagine that this will not be a difficult experience... but you know yourselves better than we do... if you can handle it thats your decision....

It takes a lot of security and trust to allow your spouse to be with another person... but for us playing separate is little different from cheating.. again we are saying TO US... you are in a sense cheating your spouse out of the moment.

Again we are just one point of view and we know others that are ok with it... it just goes against everything we came into the Lifestyle for.

We are reminded of the movie, "Indecent Proposal" where what sounded like a good idea for just one time ended up haunting a couple. Now that is just the movies.. but the situation can be a real one.

And once you cross that line... there is no going back.. so if you want to let her do that.. go ahead with it with open eyes.. and accept that you gave her the OK.

One other thing... if she is not going to be comfortable with you being there at first (which is different as most women want the security and approval of their hubby's being there) what makes you think that even if she enjoys herself.. she will be ok with it in the future ?

What if she loves it... and only wants to be with others like that?? Will you be ok with that?

We respect everyone's choices and are only commenting based on experiences and mistakes that we have made and others have told us.
Good luck !!
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