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Question: I introduced a single friend to my old boyfriend and now they are dating.

Dear Lounge Advice,

I've been in the lifestyle for a little less than a year after having joined as a dare with a man I was sexually involved with on occasion. What I discovered is that I can't seem to leave the site "completely," even though things happen that make me hesitant to continue participating. Now, if I haven't confused you enough, here's my most recent melodrama.

I recently went out with a single gal from LL and we both were to meet up with a single man from this site (who I had been with on an earlier occasion). He was late to dinner and I was pissed. Seeing as she was brand-new and had not even been with anyone, man or woman, from this site before, she was hesitant to write him off, but I was ready to leave because I thought it was rude to be late and he arrived a little intoxicated, when he was supposed to be doing something as lame as "grocery shopping." Okay, I'll try to make this as short as possible.

Since this single male didn't seem like he was going to show, I called another single guy who I've been intimate with for almost two years and thought I'd make his fantasy come true of having two women give him head. Mind you, I'm in love with this man and we were currently on the "outs," but our dynamic was that I say goodbye after he would ignore me for a bit, and then he would start paying attention to me again and we'd get back together. I shared my love of this person with the single gal, but unbeknownst to me, he told her that he had absolutely no feelings for me and that we were broken up (this happened during a hello call I had her make to him to let him know of our desire to come by his house). I can see where this is leading ... I was a fool to introduce her to someone I care about that isn't in the lifestyle and with whom I wasn't on solid ground. Well, they played and I watched and he wouldn't touch me, nor did she even try (which is okay since it was her first bi experience). When all is said and done, my feelings were hurt and they are now fucking one another and I'm out of the picture. She thinks it's okay since he had no feelings for me, but I think it's wrong since I expressed to her countless times how much I loved him and how our dynamic always plays out with one another.

This was a hard slap to my self-esteem (she's got a huge chest compared to me) and I'm fearful to get back out there again and fearful even more of sharing the same neighborhood with this single gal. I don't trust her anymore and she thinks I'm crazy ... how this can be mended I don't know, but the idea of our playing with the same people makes me want to run for the hills.

My ex-lover takes no responsibility, she takes no responsibility, and I'm taking all of it, and yet I'm still scared of this lifestyle because of this experience. I was really hoping to bond with this single gal and continue playing by ourselves and with others from this site, but the idea of her actually being intimate with my ex makes me want to scream. I'm hurt, confused, perhaps living in a bit of denial, and, did I say, hurt?

Any advice? How can I stay in this lifestyle (on this site) while she's here? How can I accept all of the blame when they both had a hand in how the cards fell?

In a perfect world, I'd take the encounter back and try to figure out the dynamic with my lover ... but the world isn't perfect, now is it?

Please help, any advice would be much appreciated!




Dear (Anonymous),

First of all... you are entitled to feel hurt... the breakup of any relationship is painful... especially if you feel that you yourself did something to help cause its demise. We would also guess that you were trying to gain points with him by bringing him this "third"... and feel that it backfired on you... but don't feel that way !

You may be beating yourself up a little too much here.. and putting way to much emphasis on this one encounter and the effect it had. It doesnt seem that your introduction of your friend to your ex did anything more than introduce him to someone who he likes now.

You said that you were on "the outs" prior to this whole thing.. and obviously he made his feelings clear to your friend.... so it would seem that it was over before this event even occurred.

Yes your new friend could have been a little more sensative to your situation... but she did not seek him out herself... you cannot blame her for liking him... that happens...

Perhaps right now you are still feeling pain over the breakup of the relationship but in the long run you would problably wish that he would be happy... and that your girlfriend would find happiness too... and if they find it together... all the better...

That doesnt make you feel any better right now and we are sorry about that... but the bottom line is that the demise of your relationship seems to have been in the cards anyway...

What you have to do is to STOP blaming yourself... and her...

One last thing... and we cannot speak out of experience.. but only our thoughts after years of dancing to this tune... its very hard to meet single people in the lifesytle and form a true relationship... and stay in it. You may wish to try to meet and develop a relationship without any lifestyle activities that becomes strong enough to allow something as trusting and loving as the Lifestyle to take place. We were married for 6 years before we even considered it.

Any relationship is hard enough... but the foundation needs to be set before its healthy to introduce others.
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